It's 11:06 pm and while I am incredibly excited, I am writing this post with a heavy heart. I feel encouraged and enlightened, yet I am terrified. I am ready to jump out of the boat and into the sea, yet it feels as if I am bound by a million ropes holding me back. Fear is consuming me, yet my heart is willing. Let me elaborate.
My entire blog has been based off of my convictions and I have written as the Spirit has been moving in me. I never force a post. I have never sat at my computer, opened up my blog, and decided I needed to write a post because it has been a while and I am losing readers. Never. Yet the second my thoughts become too heavy, or I notice myself pushing my convictions away, I can see my entire post laid out in my mind, paragraph by paragraph. I hope my rambles have made sense to you and you have a found a way to apply them to your own lives. I just wanted you guys to know that. Anyways, no matter who you are, what you believe, or where you live, this one is about to hit home. I mean it.
I have noticed the Spirit stirring a new season in my life for about the past four months...actually well beyond that, it's just been impossible to ignore as of recently. If you read my blog, you know I struggle with materialism in more ways than one. I am sickened by the consumption of our nation, including myself. Tonight HGTV was doing a segment on decorating the White House for Christmas and I was so sad. The dollars upon dollars that are poured into this showcase and then a TV show covers it, while I am sure a homeless man is sleeping under a tree only a stones throw from the iron fence that surrounds the house's premises. I am deeply, deeply saddened by this, yet I do nothing. My heart yearns to help, though I do not. I am greedy and obsessed with the cycle of upward motion in the ladder of life. I can feel myself being broken of this and I am so glad. The question is...how?
So coming in second place next to Netflix ( I kid, guys), I totally love Jen Hatmaker. She is so incredibly real. I love it. I feel like religion can often cause us to embrace a set of rules while Jesus waits for us in the background, always waiting. Jefferon Bethke says it best in this video (which is seriously awesome): Churches have turned into a museum for the good people, rather than a hospital for the broken. I have been so turned off by religious people in my past, and I imagine many of you have been, as well. After I learned about the ignition of the fire set by Jesus Christ, my entire life changed and continues to change every single day. I can see this fire through Jen's words and I love it. Coincidently, I am currently reading Jen's book, Interrupted, and it is TOTALLY INTERRUPTING my life. The story is about God's interruption in her life and the turmoil that ensued. Her call to "feed the lambs" became quite real, and I can feel that desire within myself.
So begins this: Justice for the poor.
Yes.
If you live in the valley, have ever gotten off 81 headed into Staunton, Virginia, or really have ever seen a homeless person, then this applies to you.
I am so incredibly aware of everything I have and how much I have and am willing to give away, yet every single time I see these men I am skeptical. I could give them money, but....they'll probably buy booze or drugs, or they won't really appreciate it. So I just won't. In fact, I'll just drive past them and forget them in about 15 seconds. UGH! You can relate right? Or maybe you can't, in which case I commend you. So listen to this:
"This is what God taught me through Judas at Jesus' table, eating the broken bread that was His body: We don't get to opt out of living on mission because we might not be appreciated. We're not allowed to neglect the oppressed because we have reservations about their discernment. We cannot deny love because it might be despised or misunderstood. We can't withhold social relief because we're not convinced it will be perfectly managed. Must we be wise? Absolutely. But doing nothing is a blatant sin of omission. Turning a blind eye to the bottom on the grounds of "unworthiness" is the antithesis to Jesus' entire mission......Jesus came to the foulest, filthiest place possible (Earth), full of ungrateful, self-destructive people who would betray Him far more than they'd love Him (a whole planet of Judases). He broke His body for rich people who would curse Him the second their prosperity was endangered (that's us). He poured His blood out for those who would take His Word and use it as a bludgeoning tool. He became the offering for people who would slander His name with ferocity, yet His grace was theirs for the asking until they drew their last breaths, even if all they could offer Him was a lifetime of hatred and repentance." -Jen Hatmaker
...Whoa.
Proverbs 29:7 says, "The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern."
Yes, those with nothing (and those with everything) will take advantage of you, they will let you down, and some of them will be ungrateful, but more will accept your graciousness than turn it away. This is crazy, guys. This is Jesus. Straight up Jesus, the most beautiful, selfless human being to ever exist, yet he was rejected, just like the homeless man standing on the corner of 81 and 250. Rejected. Outcast. Judged by those with everything, yet denied the right of discernment.
Set religion aside and embrace Jesus like he has embraced us, the scum of the earth. To help others is to become broken, just as He was for us. I want to help, but I am afraid of where it may take me. Away from my family? Away from my things? Away from the United States?
Be open to letting the Spirit move. Don't shut Him out or ignore that stirring within your gut.
Embrace the actions of Jesus, and shed the robes of religion.
More of Him, less of me.
My prayer is that my spirit, as well as yours, will be more deeply afflicted than ever the next time I think, "But they'll only buy booze..."
And lastly, I leave you with a quote from Robert. Kennedy. I often make peace with myself when I do not act as I want to against areas that I am passionate about, such as social justice or food justice. I sometimes lie to myself and make myself believe that my one action alone is incapable to making any type of dent on the misery that is clouding our nation. If you ever feel like this, check it out:
"Let no one be discouraged by the belief there is nothing one man or one woman can do against the enormous array of the world's ills - against misery and ignorance, injustice and violence...Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation...It is from the numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance." -Robert F. Kennedy
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
Satisfaction with Life Scale
Recently, my ability to over think the smallest of situations went into overdrive, but in a good way. I was working on a stats exam yesterday afternoon and one of the questions made me really upset, a little angry, and then just sad. It was the Satisfaction with Life Scale (SWLS) created by Ed Diener, Robert Emmons, Randy Larson, and Sharon Griffin. Why this was on my stats exam, I'm not sure, but if you haven't heard of it, check it out:
Below are five statements that you may agree or disagree with. Using the 1-7 scale below, indicate your agreement with each item by placing the appropriate number on the line preceding that item. Please be open and honest in your responding.
Below are five statements that you may agree or disagree with. Using the 1-7 scale below, indicate your agreement with each item by placing the appropriate number on the line preceding that item. Please be open and honest in your responding.
- 7 - Strongly agree
- 6 - Agree
- 5 - Slightly agree
- 4 - Neither agree nor disagree
- 3 - Slightly disagree
- 2 - Disagree
- 1 - Strongly disagree
1. In most ways, my life is close to ideal.
2. The conditions of my life are excellent.
3. I am satisfied with my life.
4. So far I have gotten the important things I want in life.
5. If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing.
Add your answers up and see where you fall:
- 31-35 Extremely satisfied
- 26-30 Satisfied
- 21-25 Slightly satisfied
- 20 Neutral
- 15-19 Slightly dissatisfied
- 10-14 Dissatisfied
- 5-9 Extremely dissatisfied
That's it. My stomach was churning over this dumb thing, like I was really angry about this. Side note: I am an incredibly emotional, anxiety-ridden, short-fused person. When I start to feel things, like my stomach churning with rage, I have to stop and really boil down why I feel that way. So I did.
As I read each question, I didn't know how to respond with anything less than a 7. I mean I am an over thinker, and that's what happened here without a doubt, but in this instance I was thankful. How could I say that the conditions of my life are anything less than excellent? I was sitting in the App State computer lab looking at a 27-inch monitor in a warm room, and when I was done, I was going to walk back to my warm, furnished apartment and make a delicious meal with all of the ingredients in my fridge, and then I was going to lay in my huge, comfy bed and watch Netflix on my Mac. Privilege. This question deserved nothing less than a 7. When asked if my life was close to ideal, or if I was satisfied with my life, I had to think long and hard. I put 7's for these questions, as well. How can I not be satisfied?
Satisfaction:
a. The fulfillment or gratification of a desire, need, or appetite.
b. Pleasure or contentment derived from such gratification.
c. A source or means of gratification.
I'd say that satisfaction comes from the conditions of my life, which are above and beyond what I could ever need. If you do not feel satisfied, write about it. Pray about it. Make a list. You will find a way to feel satisfaction, guaranteed. I started to think about what satisfaction must mean to those in places where they are being persecuted for what they believe, and those who fall asleep hungry or cold, those who have been forced into human trafficking, and those who are completely alone,without hope, and without any resources to provide help. I was thinking about how they would answer these questions. Here in the US, I feel immense financial pressure. Satisfaction stems from money. Wrong. I was thinking about how I would feel if my survey were compared to someone from some third world country and how I would feel if they had put all 7's on their survey and I had put anything less. After I quickly ran through this scenario in my mind, my questions received all 7's.
One particular question really got me: So far I have gotten the important things I want in life...Um. If you read my blog, you know I struggle with want and material desire. I think a lot of the pressure that we feel comes from this idea of want. We want so many things that we can never truly be satisfied. We are trying to fill a hole that can't be filled by all of the things that we want.
I have learned something huge since I moved to Boone: it isn't about what I want. My whole life I have prayed for things like, "God, please keep us safe on this car ride. God, please help me make it through grad school. God, please keep me and my loved ones healthy and safe. God, please don't let this happen or God, please don't let that happen." I have a new prayer. My prayer is that God will work how He sees best fit, which ultimately He will. It may not be what I want, and the results may be devastating, but I have to be okay with that. He knows what is best for me and I take great comfort in that. When I realize all of these things, I can feel the pressure melt away. It will never be about what I want, and thank God, really. I am only human and relying on myself, or anyone else, or material needs will always leave me wanting. I'm tired of wanting. I am deeply satisfied with the conditions of my life and the comfort that I find through Jesus Christ.
Overriding selfishness and self desire takes work. I mean constant work. It goes against human nature and it is HARD. I'm a firm believer that self-reflection is crucial. I recognize that maybe my thought process was a little different from others when taking this survey, but I think it's necessary.
Readers, I hope you feel comfort and I hope you feel satisfaction. Sometimes we get clouded by all of the things that are going on in our lives, I know. Sift through the fog of worry, doubt, and fear and recognize all that we have. Forgive those who are hurting you and it will set you free. Look past everything that is weighing you down and realize the immense satisfaction that you have been blessed with. Lying underneath of it all is hope and new found joy in the simple things.
Now go make a sandwich or order some takeout. It's lunchtime and I'm hungry, so I'm going to eat because I can. Here's to 7's all around, people.
Romans 15:13
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Friday, November 29, 2013
Catching Fire to the Blackest of Fridays
I used to love Black Friday. Yeah, I know there are some "awesome" deals out there, but now the whole idea has me feeling sad and a little sick.
The day I got home from Boone the TV was on and a few commercials came on that stirred this empty feeling inside of me. Maybe it's because I don't have cable in Boone, so it had been awhile since I had seen a commercial. I wasn't numb to the 30 second messages being blasted through the TV screen, but I was kind of thinking about them a lot. One Target commercial had changed the chorus in a Christmas song from "Fa la la la la, la la la la," to "Shop shop shop shop shop, shop shop shop shop." Ew. Immediately following this commercial, a Golden Corral commercial advertised their chocolate fountain as being, "One of the seven wonders of the world." We have become a society that thrives off of materialism and indulgence. More is always better...but is it actually?
To make ideas more real to me, I like to apply them to situations that hit home. What's real to me right now: Catching Fire. *If you haven't read the Hunger Games series or seen the new movie, go do it.* I was thinking about how we have been designed to be consumers since the day we were born. Companies specialize in targeting just the right audience so that they can be more profitable and they are really, really good at it. Generally, we're a little unaware of it or we just don't care. Our capital system fuels a desire within us to get up at 2 am the day after Thanksgiving to go wait in line and fight with someone over a TV that is marked down a hundred bucks. Awesome. It's ironic really. We spend a whole day being thankful for all we have only to wake up in the morning wanting more. I was thinking about how Katniss takes small steps to rebel against the capital and create hope within the surrounding districts. If we were to ignore all of the Black Friday hype and celebrate the things we already have, how cool would that be? Think of all the people who wouldn't have to go into work to fuel the flame that we, as a people, have turned into a roaring fire. Black Friday started at Walmart yesterday at some ridiculous hour like 5 pm. Some people haven't eaten Thanksgiving dinner by this time. Some people won't eat anything at all! But all we can think about is getting that deal. This is sad, guys. My heart is breaking for what we have become. We have fallen into the materialistic marketing ploys, and all for what? That's what I'm really interested in...I'm just wondering what it's all for.
I'm sitting here thinking about my Amazon wish list. I would really love a smart TV so that I can do mindless tasks on my computer AND watch Netflix. I feel like this is something that I need. This makes me so sad. I don't want to be someone who always wants.
Thankfully, I don't have any money to spend, but what if I did? I hope I wouldn't have been among the masses lined up at all of the surrounding stores. I don't want to be defined by my stuff. If my house burnt down, I don't want my passions and my biggest joys to be within my things. They're just things. I don't need one more sweater marked down to ten dollars, I already have ten, which is nine more than I could ever need. I don't need more stuff. People who woke up with nothing today didn't wake up and think, "Hey, I'm going to go hit the Black Friday sales." They couldn't. They probably woke up sad, hungry, and maybe lonely. Yet many of us woke up with everything we could ever need and decided we wanted even more.
Today, I encourage you to count the blessings you already have. Put your passions and love into something that won't burn with a house fire. Less really is more. When you die, your wardrobe, your car, your house, and your stuff isn't coming with you. It's temporary. Stuff ties you down. Large amounts of money poured into any one item makes it more valuable than it ever should be. How nice would it be to just walk out the door with everything you own in a backpack? I couldn't do it, but it sure is awesome to think about. Invest in love. Invest in people. Invest in those who have nothing. We live in a country that uses fountains for beauty while other countries travel miles to a clean water source. Be thankful for the small things. We are blessed with running, clean water, warm houses, and plenty of food that could feed a small army.
More is less, don't forget it. It's a daily challenge. Everything in this world tells us that this isn't true and more is always better. I disagree. A friend on twitter today had some awesome hashtags:
#happybuynothingday
#downwithmaterialism
#downwithconsumerism
And lastly,
Matthew 6:19-21
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Friday, November 15, 2013
Everyone Needs A Figther
Need a fighter?
Or be one.
God is doing some crazy things in my life right now. I think it's pretty fascinating to look back at my spiritual journey over the past few months. It reminds me of some ideas Jen Hatmaker touches on in 7 (seriously read this book). I completely removed myself from everything that was comfortable to me, and through doing that, it allowed more room for Jesus to move. I needed change and I needed to create more space within myself so that I could grow.
More of Him, less of me.
With that being said, God has really had it on my heart to pray. I mean serious, intentional prayer. I tend to give God the tiny 5% that I have left at the end of the day when I talk to Him. Also, I tend to pray for myself and the needs that are most important to me. I pray for the safety and health of Kyle, my family, and my friends. I pray that I will make it through grad school without failing out. Generally, I'm a pretty selfish person...and I recognize that (sometimes).
You guys, God is so big and more majestic than we can even comprehend. For me to quickly speak with Him before I fall asleep just doesn't even give Him the glory He deserves. I have started praying out loud in my apartment during times of the day when my tank isn't running on empty. I've become more intentional in the content of my prayers, as well. Rather than praying for my desires and what I want, I need to pray about what God thinks is best. My idea of how I want things to go can be SO different of His idea and His plan. I'm learning to accept that and to allow Him to move how He sees fit.
Also, you know how everyone is always like, "I'll pray for you?" For those of you who don't know me very well, I am a recovering flake. Seriously. I have suffered from serious flake-itis and I am making some serious improvements in changing this about myself. When I say I'm going to pray for you, I need to actually do it. I don't want the powerful act of prayer to be an empty promise that I hand out to others. This week, I intentionally prayed for specific situations every single day. This is something I am really, really, really, working at.
Lastly, since I moved to Boone, God has completely shown me how to be a fighter for someone else. Both emotionally and spiritually. I can recall one of my deepest, darkest memories from when I had just recently made the decision to seek after Christ again. I wasn't 100% there yet. God hadn't completely broken me down yet. I look at the miraculous ways God was fighting for me in that specific situation and I am so incredibly grateful. He had his hand on so many terrible situations that protected me and I didn't even want Him to. Wow. How crazy, right?
So, with that being said, God had my back through it all, but I never had a human, flesh and bones fighter. Nobody really knew the extent of my spiritual battle. I desired to live in both the light and the dark, which I now know is impossible. Sometimes I still feel myself wanting to revert back into those old behaviors. I didn't have a specific person fighting for me. I was completely alone in my struggle, for the most part. I also didn't know what it meant to truly fight for someone...until now.
I'm going to get a little cliche and say that everyone needs that peanut butter to their jelly, or that icing to their cupcake, that horizon to their sky, or maybe even...the Mario to their Luigi.
Hehe, no but seriously. I have understood deep, true friendship, but what God is teaching me now is different. I have learned how to truly spiritually invest into another human being and to fight for them. I'm not talking about physical fighting, but hey I'd throw a punch for my peeps. I'm talking broken, on my knees, praying and pleading with God for a friend. I have never prayed like this for another human being. Ever. This realization slapped me in the face yesterday.
We are broken people called to serve and to love others. I mean seriously love in the way that Jesus loved us. Yes, I recognize that amount of unconditional love is physically impossible for human capacity, but we can try.
My prayer is that you guys have someone fighting for you. I recognize that we all struggle with different things. Maybe some of you are suffering from physical pain, or grief, or hopelessness. God has your back, but I hope you have a loved one that does too.
Be a fighter, guys. Spiritual warfare is waging all around us. This terrifies me, but also gives me peace. We are constantly being fought for. We are that loved.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If they fall down, they can help each other up. But pity those who fall and have no one to help them up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Help pick someone up. Everyone needs a fighter.
Or be one.
God is doing some crazy things in my life right now. I think it's pretty fascinating to look back at my spiritual journey over the past few months. It reminds me of some ideas Jen Hatmaker touches on in 7 (seriously read this book). I completely removed myself from everything that was comfortable to me, and through doing that, it allowed more room for Jesus to move. I needed change and I needed to create more space within myself so that I could grow.
More of Him, less of me.
With that being said, God has really had it on my heart to pray. I mean serious, intentional prayer. I tend to give God the tiny 5% that I have left at the end of the day when I talk to Him. Also, I tend to pray for myself and the needs that are most important to me. I pray for the safety and health of Kyle, my family, and my friends. I pray that I will make it through grad school without failing out. Generally, I'm a pretty selfish person...and I recognize that (sometimes).
You guys, God is so big and more majestic than we can even comprehend. For me to quickly speak with Him before I fall asleep just doesn't even give Him the glory He deserves. I have started praying out loud in my apartment during times of the day when my tank isn't running on empty. I've become more intentional in the content of my prayers, as well. Rather than praying for my desires and what I want, I need to pray about what God thinks is best. My idea of how I want things to go can be SO different of His idea and His plan. I'm learning to accept that and to allow Him to move how He sees fit.
Also, you know how everyone is always like, "I'll pray for you?" For those of you who don't know me very well, I am a recovering flake. Seriously. I have suffered from serious flake-itis and I am making some serious improvements in changing this about myself. When I say I'm going to pray for you, I need to actually do it. I don't want the powerful act of prayer to be an empty promise that I hand out to others. This week, I intentionally prayed for specific situations every single day. This is something I am really, really, really, working at.
Lastly, since I moved to Boone, God has completely shown me how to be a fighter for someone else. Both emotionally and spiritually. I can recall one of my deepest, darkest memories from when I had just recently made the decision to seek after Christ again. I wasn't 100% there yet. God hadn't completely broken me down yet. I look at the miraculous ways God was fighting for me in that specific situation and I am so incredibly grateful. He had his hand on so many terrible situations that protected me and I didn't even want Him to. Wow. How crazy, right?
So, with that being said, God had my back through it all, but I never had a human, flesh and bones fighter. Nobody really knew the extent of my spiritual battle. I desired to live in both the light and the dark, which I now know is impossible. Sometimes I still feel myself wanting to revert back into those old behaviors. I didn't have a specific person fighting for me. I was completely alone in my struggle, for the most part. I also didn't know what it meant to truly fight for someone...until now.
I'm going to get a little cliche and say that everyone needs that peanut butter to their jelly, or that icing to their cupcake, that horizon to their sky, or maybe even...the Mario to their Luigi.
Hehe, no but seriously. I have understood deep, true friendship, but what God is teaching me now is different. I have learned how to truly spiritually invest into another human being and to fight for them. I'm not talking about physical fighting, but hey I'd throw a punch for my peeps. I'm talking broken, on my knees, praying and pleading with God for a friend. I have never prayed like this for another human being. Ever. This realization slapped me in the face yesterday.
We are broken people called to serve and to love others. I mean seriously love in the way that Jesus loved us. Yes, I recognize that amount of unconditional love is physically impossible for human capacity, but we can try.
My prayer is that you guys have someone fighting for you. I recognize that we all struggle with different things. Maybe some of you are suffering from physical pain, or grief, or hopelessness. God has your back, but I hope you have a loved one that does too.
Be a fighter, guys. Spiritual warfare is waging all around us. This terrifies me, but also gives me peace. We are constantly being fought for. We are that loved.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If they fall down, they can help each other up. But pity those who fall and have no one to help them up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Help pick someone up. Everyone needs a fighter.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Check Yo Self.
Alright, I know my writing has slowed down, but grad school is kicking my butt. I took an exam yesterday and I have a brief break until I have a literature review due on Wednesday...*sigh*.
Why did I come to grad school again?
Okay so anyways, I have to share something. Last weekend my dad visited me and we went hiking. Though I do not doubt the rumors that Winter in Boone is miserable (my apartment is a cozy 45 degrees right now), Fall in Boone is stupid pretty. I mean seriously breathtaking. I am humbled every single day by God's beauty when I walk down Stadium Drive (my mini mountain) and I see the mountains looming over Appalachian's campus. I mean I am so serious. Living in the valley was absolutely gorgeous, but living on the actual mountain has a whole new perspective. Visit me, people.
Check it out. This is what I see when I walk down to class every morning:
This overlook, Howard's Knob, which sits right above the grocery store I shop at. People run to the top of it (because they're insane). I could be there in 3 minutes if I wanted to go right now (driving of course). It overlooks App and I just think it's amazing. Check it out:
Lastly, this image is from the parkway this past weekend. My dad and I took the parkway on the way home from hiking and we couldn't help but stop to take a picture.
I mean that is just miles, and miles, and miles of beauty. I can't help but think of how creative God is when I look at these images. My dad and I got into an interesting conversation about the nature of children while we were hiking. Most kids operate through instant gratification. They can't comprehend how they literally can do nothing themselves, though they don't see it that way. Appreciation for all the beauty that surrounds us doesn't come until later in life, that usually includes appreciation for our parents, as well. I hated hiking when I was a kid. I didn't care about beautiful views. So what. I thought hiking was hard and it made me sweat and there were bugs. I needed immediate instant gratification. I didn't want to hike 3 miles to some view. Now, I love these views. I feel so tiny and I love it. All of the man-made features of the world melt away and I can truly see the raw, first-hand product of God's beauty. What a gift. It's humbling. This idea of children being so incredibly reliant on their parents for every single need should be an illustration of our encounters with God. When we grow out of that stage with our parents, we have to put that reliance on someone new. Pray about it. It's hard not to think we can fix everything all on our own. That is probably one of my greatest struggles.
So, listen to this.
STORY TIME.
This morning I randomly woke up around 5:45 am. I always sleep straight through the night, so it was kind of weird. I was wide awake, which was also weird because I went to bed at like 2 am last night. This incredibly strange rustling/clicking noise was coming from the oven and it was totally freaking me out (I have an electric oven, not gas, calm down friends. I am not dying of carbon monoxide poisoning....yes I googled why ovens make random clicking noises). So I got up to check it out and it would stop every time I would get up. I was pretty freaked out...mostly because I thought there was a squirrel or some other type of small animal rustling around in my oven. I am now assuming my apartment is so freakishly cold that my oven was just having muscle spasms...let's go with that.
Amidst my panic attack I checked my Facebook on my phone. Clearly this has calming potential. I had a message from a reader whom I had never met before. I hope she is okay with me sharing this, but she shared me some incredibly kind thoughts about the impact of my blog. It brought tears to my eyes. She encouraged me to keep writing and to keep on seeking Him with an honest heart, so I have to be honest.
My first thought was not to share this on my blog, but that I couldn't wait to tell my mom, my boyfriend, my friends...blah blah blah. Pride just started to consume me in this really awful way and I didn't even realize it. All of a sudden, my oven started getting louder and this really odd feeling came over me that I needed to pray. I talked to God about my pride and how sorry I was that I took those kind words all onto myself. I can be so self-centered. Immediately after I prayed the clicking stopped and I fell back asleep until...now. When I woke up was when I realized that I wanted this to be a blog entry, not a story to my friends about how influential my words are.
Just last week I was so humbled by God's beauty on the parkway...how quickly I forgot! I need to be humbled every single day because I will let pride consume me 100%. Sometimes I give myself all the credit and I can just feel myself doing it. During the early hours of this morning God gave me an incredibly needed reminder.
We are broken and we can't do this all on our own...well I'm definitely broken. Maybe you don't think you are...yet, and that's so okay. It took me a while to understand how broken I was and obviously, by the nature of my posts, well you can see how I still forget every single day.
We all fall short by our own strength.
Ephesians 2:8-10
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
Why did I come to grad school again?
Okay so anyways, I have to share something. Last weekend my dad visited me and we went hiking. Though I do not doubt the rumors that Winter in Boone is miserable (my apartment is a cozy 45 degrees right now), Fall in Boone is stupid pretty. I mean seriously breathtaking. I am humbled every single day by God's beauty when I walk down Stadium Drive (my mini mountain) and I see the mountains looming over Appalachian's campus. I mean I am so serious. Living in the valley was absolutely gorgeous, but living on the actual mountain has a whole new perspective. Visit me, people.
Check it out. This is what I see when I walk down to class every morning:
So, listen to this.
STORY TIME.
This morning I randomly woke up around 5:45 am. I always sleep straight through the night, so it was kind of weird. I was wide awake, which was also weird because I went to bed at like 2 am last night. This incredibly strange rustling/clicking noise was coming from the oven and it was totally freaking me out (I have an electric oven, not gas, calm down friends. I am not dying of carbon monoxide poisoning....yes I googled why ovens make random clicking noises). So I got up to check it out and it would stop every time I would get up. I was pretty freaked out...mostly because I thought there was a squirrel or some other type of small animal rustling around in my oven. I am now assuming my apartment is so freakishly cold that my oven was just having muscle spasms...let's go with that.
Amidst my panic attack I checked my Facebook on my phone. Clearly this has calming potential. I had a message from a reader whom I had never met before. I hope she is okay with me sharing this, but she shared me some incredibly kind thoughts about the impact of my blog. It brought tears to my eyes. She encouraged me to keep writing and to keep on seeking Him with an honest heart, so I have to be honest.
My first thought was not to share this on my blog, but that I couldn't wait to tell my mom, my boyfriend, my friends...blah blah blah. Pride just started to consume me in this really awful way and I didn't even realize it. All of a sudden, my oven started getting louder and this really odd feeling came over me that I needed to pray. I talked to God about my pride and how sorry I was that I took those kind words all onto myself. I can be so self-centered. Immediately after I prayed the clicking stopped and I fell back asleep until...now. When I woke up was when I realized that I wanted this to be a blog entry, not a story to my friends about how influential my words are.
Just last week I was so humbled by God's beauty on the parkway...how quickly I forgot! I need to be humbled every single day because I will let pride consume me 100%. Sometimes I give myself all the credit and I can just feel myself doing it. During the early hours of this morning God gave me an incredibly needed reminder.
We are broken and we can't do this all on our own...well I'm definitely broken. Maybe you don't think you are...yet, and that's so okay. It took me a while to understand how broken I was and obviously, by the nature of my posts, well you can see how I still forget every single day.
We all fall short by our own strength.
Ephesians 2:8-10
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Where My Planners At?
It's been awhile. My thoughts are all over the place tonight, but I will make an attempt to streamline them.
I am a planner. When I wake up in the morning, I know exactly what I am going to make for each meal that day. I know exactly where I need to be, my phone will begin reminding me I need to be there hours before, and I will arrive between 10 to 15 minutes early. It's what I do. I don't like vague plans and when people are late I am irritated. Very irritated.
Sometimes my obsession with detail and organization gets in the way of my ability to see the big picture. I see it in numerous areas of my life. I get angry when others temper with my schedule and I want to hyperventilate when I think about being late. I just seem to think I have it all figured out, like my plans are etched in stone and there is no going back. Tonight I feel extra burdened by my type A mentality.
I look back on some parts of my life where I was just living. Structure to my plans was limited. I didn't care where I ended up and I found myself in some incredibly dire situations. Looking back now I am so thankful that some of those situations didn't have a different ending, that I made it out without too many scars, and that I worked my way out of it. I needed serious saving. Some of those memories still make my stomach roll with fear and sadness. Sometimes I think about those scenarios working out in a different way and I thank God that they did not. I needed saving, but I didn't ask for it. I was so lost, but I felt like I didn't need to find a way out. I was pulled out of those circumstances by the most divine of interventions. I can recall hopeless situations that have no other answer to why they ended the way they did, but because God was taking care of me.
This whole idea struck me hard the other day. I live a different life now, but I still find it hard to fully put my trust in Jesus. I have a game plan. I'm working towards my Master's degree so that I can achieve x, y, z. Whatever. Sometimes Jesus breaks me down and I'm like, "What am I doing here? How am I serving you, Lord?" We can all be used right we are, but that's not what I am trying to say in this post. Situations where I wasn't trusting God at all, He still came through for me. Now, I look at areas that I am so hesitant to give up to Him, and I just don't know why. He gave everything for me. Literally He gave His only son. Who does that? I think it's easy to become numb to the idea that Jesus died for our sins. The magnitude of this is so intense, so incredibly intense. If you pause and just think about why someone would do that for you, it's heavy. It's easy to hear this over and over and over and over and not truly recognize how large this act was each time it's heard. I struggle with this. When I was attempting to find Jesus again my sophomore year of college, I used to watch this video.
It's old, but I rediscovered it again the other day. It's so comforting to imagine this personal relationship with Jesus...I mean that's what it is. I may be a planner, but I am so safe putting my trust in Christ. Setting my plans in stone with Him is the best decision I've ever made. When I don't put my trust in Him, I am choosing myself over Him. I struggle with this daily. This song always gives me a reality check. The lyrics have a way of shrinking my head and breaking my heart. I need that.
Ripping control out of my clenched fist is no easy task. My prayer is that God will chisel that part of me away little by little each day.
This journey is no easy stroll through the park, but nobody every said it would be.
Less of me, more of Him.
Lamentations 3:22-26
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
I am a planner. When I wake up in the morning, I know exactly what I am going to make for each meal that day. I know exactly where I need to be, my phone will begin reminding me I need to be there hours before, and I will arrive between 10 to 15 minutes early. It's what I do. I don't like vague plans and when people are late I am irritated. Very irritated.
Sometimes my obsession with detail and organization gets in the way of my ability to see the big picture. I see it in numerous areas of my life. I get angry when others temper with my schedule and I want to hyperventilate when I think about being late. I just seem to think I have it all figured out, like my plans are etched in stone and there is no going back. Tonight I feel extra burdened by my type A mentality.
I look back on some parts of my life where I was just living. Structure to my plans was limited. I didn't care where I ended up and I found myself in some incredibly dire situations. Looking back now I am so thankful that some of those situations didn't have a different ending, that I made it out without too many scars, and that I worked my way out of it. I needed serious saving. Some of those memories still make my stomach roll with fear and sadness. Sometimes I think about those scenarios working out in a different way and I thank God that they did not. I needed saving, but I didn't ask for it. I was so lost, but I felt like I didn't need to find a way out. I was pulled out of those circumstances by the most divine of interventions. I can recall hopeless situations that have no other answer to why they ended the way they did, but because God was taking care of me.
This whole idea struck me hard the other day. I live a different life now, but I still find it hard to fully put my trust in Jesus. I have a game plan. I'm working towards my Master's degree so that I can achieve x, y, z. Whatever. Sometimes Jesus breaks me down and I'm like, "What am I doing here? How am I serving you, Lord?" We can all be used right we are, but that's not what I am trying to say in this post. Situations where I wasn't trusting God at all, He still came through for me. Now, I look at areas that I am so hesitant to give up to Him, and I just don't know why. He gave everything for me. Literally He gave His only son. Who does that? I think it's easy to become numb to the idea that Jesus died for our sins. The magnitude of this is so intense, so incredibly intense. If you pause and just think about why someone would do that for you, it's heavy. It's easy to hear this over and over and over and over and not truly recognize how large this act was each time it's heard. I struggle with this. When I was attempting to find Jesus again my sophomore year of college, I used to watch this video.
Ripping control out of my clenched fist is no easy task. My prayer is that God will chisel that part of me away little by little each day.
This journey is no easy stroll through the park, but nobody every said it would be.
Less of me, more of Him.
Lamentations 3:22-26
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Home
I am finally home for a few short days. Nothing can replace home. I won't lie, I cried a little when I got off on the Staunton/Fishersville exit. I already know that once Monday morning comes I will not want to leave. I have only been here since Tuesday afternoon, but I have a couple of things to share.
1. The water pressure here is wonderful. AND I can raise my arms above my head when I take a shower and not hit the ceiling. I took that for granted, so I'll enjoy it while I'm here visiting.
2. Last night I gave my testimony to the Staunton Alliance youth group during their Refuge meeting time. I have been feeling so called towards youth. I feel for these kids. My prayer is that they will understand how incredibly important it is to establish their identity in Christ now, before college rocks them with trials and challenges they never anticipated. I shared with them how I, fortunately, had a solid foundation under me and I truly did know Christ before I began college. I just got so caught up in sin that I lost my way for a long time. I never doubted He wasn't real, or that His word wasn't true, I just didn't want to listen and I didn't know how to find my way out of my vicious cycle of sin.
For those of you who think you know me, you're about to really know me. I recorded my testimony last night, but I have chosen not to post it on my blog. I believe that it is God's testimony and not my own, so I hope that it impacts you in some way.
I was raised in the church and I truly knew Christ. I had a relationship with Him, truly. I found myself being sexually impure, and getting high and drunk often. It was fun. This progressed through my sophomore year and one night I hit rock bottom. I specifically remember sitting in my dorm and just sobbing and Kelly coming in to check on me. It is so cool to think about how God was fighting for me that whole time. He never once turned away from me, He was just waiting for me to listen. I finally listened, but it took awhile for me to get to know Him again. Not long after, I met a guy that God strategically put in my life to save me, in a sense. We met under incredibly sinful circumstances, but he was in the same place as me, though I would say he was a little more spiritually mature than I was at the time. I saw God work through him and I began restoring my long broken relationship with Christ again. I don't know that I could have done this alone at that point in my life. God was looking out for me when I was introduced to that guy. Together we grew and it was so cool. I learned what a christian relationship was designed to be. I learned about boundaries and how incredibly important intentionality is when physical touch cannot be the number one love language. It was so hard for me, but I learned so much. We parted ways and I continued through college still struggling, though I had gained my sight for Jesus back. I struggled with wanting to revert back into old behaviors, actually reverting back into old behaviors, and controlling my language. I began dating my first boyfriend that I ever had, like ever, and he became (and still is) such a spiritual leader to me. I can see God's character and how much He truly loves me through Kyle. It is one of my greatest blessings and I let him know every day. This past summer and since I moved to Boone, my relationship with my savior has only grown. The more I fall in love with Jesus, the less I think about the "rules" of christianity. Worship through my actions, words, and thoughts becomes more natural. This is how it was designed to be, people. Falling in love with God, rather than just believing he exists, is the only way to truly experience Him. If you have doubts and fears, that is so natural, but once you truly get to know Him, your life will be forever changed. You'll never want to go back.
I just want these middle and high school students to embrace this! Ah, I just can't emphasize it enough. How do you tell a 16-year-old that Jesus is it. Look no further, He is all you will ever need. He is the beginning and the end and our time here is so temporary. Most of what we do here on Earth amounts to nothing. How do you tell them that seeking after God is more important than their relationship, or their PS2, or impressing their friends, or being popular, or making the Varsity team? I just don't know. They have to experience it. They have to figure it out themselves, we all do. I just pray that they don't have to find Him the way I did. He is there and He is waiting. If you search for Him, you will find Him.
I don't know what you guys are struggling with today, or what's going in your life. I was so grateful by the feedback that I got from the youth and the leaders about my testimony. So many Christians have biblical knowledge, but lack that relationship with Christ. Sometimes we're afraid to admit that. It's like Christians have to maintain some "perfect" act when they're around other Christians, or anybody. Let's be honest...we're all humans here. We all are subject to sucking. We all struggle. Being real with others allows God to move through our stories and our struggles. You never know who may be having similar struggles. Transparency is so incredibly important, guys. It really is. Recently every one in my small group shared their testimonies and it really grew us. Knowing people's struggles and fears makes them more real. It's amazing.
I am so excited about whatever God is going to do in the live's of the youth who were at Refuge on Wednesday night. He was thinking about all of us when this earth was just darkness. That's so comforting to me, and I hope it is to you, as well. That's how much you're loved. If you're interested in hearing the audio of my talk last night, shoot me an email and I'll hook you up.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plan I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
1. The water pressure here is wonderful. AND I can raise my arms above my head when I take a shower and not hit the ceiling. I took that for granted, so I'll enjoy it while I'm here visiting.
2. Last night I gave my testimony to the Staunton Alliance youth group during their Refuge meeting time. I have been feeling so called towards youth. I feel for these kids. My prayer is that they will understand how incredibly important it is to establish their identity in Christ now, before college rocks them with trials and challenges they never anticipated. I shared with them how I, fortunately, had a solid foundation under me and I truly did know Christ before I began college. I just got so caught up in sin that I lost my way for a long time. I never doubted He wasn't real, or that His word wasn't true, I just didn't want to listen and I didn't know how to find my way out of my vicious cycle of sin.
For those of you who think you know me, you're about to really know me. I recorded my testimony last night, but I have chosen not to post it on my blog. I believe that it is God's testimony and not my own, so I hope that it impacts you in some way.
I was raised in the church and I truly knew Christ. I had a relationship with Him, truly. I found myself being sexually impure, and getting high and drunk often. It was fun. This progressed through my sophomore year and one night I hit rock bottom. I specifically remember sitting in my dorm and just sobbing and Kelly coming in to check on me. It is so cool to think about how God was fighting for me that whole time. He never once turned away from me, He was just waiting for me to listen. I finally listened, but it took awhile for me to get to know Him again. Not long after, I met a guy that God strategically put in my life to save me, in a sense. We met under incredibly sinful circumstances, but he was in the same place as me, though I would say he was a little more spiritually mature than I was at the time. I saw God work through him and I began restoring my long broken relationship with Christ again. I don't know that I could have done this alone at that point in my life. God was looking out for me when I was introduced to that guy. Together we grew and it was so cool. I learned what a christian relationship was designed to be. I learned about boundaries and how incredibly important intentionality is when physical touch cannot be the number one love language. It was so hard for me, but I learned so much. We parted ways and I continued through college still struggling, though I had gained my sight for Jesus back. I struggled with wanting to revert back into old behaviors, actually reverting back into old behaviors, and controlling my language. I began dating my first boyfriend that I ever had, like ever, and he became (and still is) such a spiritual leader to me. I can see God's character and how much He truly loves me through Kyle. It is one of my greatest blessings and I let him know every day. This past summer and since I moved to Boone, my relationship with my savior has only grown. The more I fall in love with Jesus, the less I think about the "rules" of christianity. Worship through my actions, words, and thoughts becomes more natural. This is how it was designed to be, people. Falling in love with God, rather than just believing he exists, is the only way to truly experience Him. If you have doubts and fears, that is so natural, but once you truly get to know Him, your life will be forever changed. You'll never want to go back.
I just want these middle and high school students to embrace this! Ah, I just can't emphasize it enough. How do you tell a 16-year-old that Jesus is it. Look no further, He is all you will ever need. He is the beginning and the end and our time here is so temporary. Most of what we do here on Earth amounts to nothing. How do you tell them that seeking after God is more important than their relationship, or their PS2, or impressing their friends, or being popular, or making the Varsity team? I just don't know. They have to experience it. They have to figure it out themselves, we all do. I just pray that they don't have to find Him the way I did. He is there and He is waiting. If you search for Him, you will find Him.
I don't know what you guys are struggling with today, or what's going in your life. I was so grateful by the feedback that I got from the youth and the leaders about my testimony. So many Christians have biblical knowledge, but lack that relationship with Christ. Sometimes we're afraid to admit that. It's like Christians have to maintain some "perfect" act when they're around other Christians, or anybody. Let's be honest...we're all humans here. We all are subject to sucking. We all struggle. Being real with others allows God to move through our stories and our struggles. You never know who may be having similar struggles. Transparency is so incredibly important, guys. It really is. Recently every one in my small group shared their testimonies and it really grew us. Knowing people's struggles and fears makes them more real. It's amazing.
I am so excited about whatever God is going to do in the live's of the youth who were at Refuge on Wednesday night. He was thinking about all of us when this earth was just darkness. That's so comforting to me, and I hope it is to you, as well. That's how much you're loved. If you're interested in hearing the audio of my talk last night, shoot me an email and I'll hook you up.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plan I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
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