I am a planner. When I wake up in the morning, I know exactly what I am going to make for each meal that day. I know exactly where I need to be, my phone will begin reminding me I need to be there hours before, and I will arrive between 10 to 15 minutes early. It's what I do. I don't like vague plans and when people are late I am irritated. Very irritated.
Sometimes my obsession with detail and organization gets in the way of my ability to see the big picture. I see it in numerous areas of my life. I get angry when others temper with my schedule and I want to hyperventilate when I think about being late. I just seem to think I have it all figured out, like my plans are etched in stone and there is no going back. Tonight I feel extra burdened by my type A mentality.
I look back on some parts of my life where I was just living. Structure to my plans was limited. I didn't care where I ended up and I found myself in some incredibly dire situations. Looking back now I am so thankful that some of those situations didn't have a different ending, that I made it out without too many scars, and that I worked my way out of it. I needed serious saving. Some of those memories still make my stomach roll with fear and sadness. Sometimes I think about those scenarios working out in a different way and I thank God that they did not. I needed saving, but I didn't ask for it. I was so lost, but I felt like I didn't need to find a way out. I was pulled out of those circumstances by the most divine of interventions. I can recall hopeless situations that have no other answer to why they ended the way they did, but because God was taking care of me.
This whole idea struck me hard the other day. I live a different life now, but I still find it hard to fully put my trust in Jesus. I have a game plan. I'm working towards my Master's degree so that I can achieve x, y, z. Whatever. Sometimes Jesus breaks me down and I'm like, "What am I doing here? How am I serving you, Lord?" We can all be used right we are, but that's not what I am trying to say in this post. Situations where I wasn't trusting God at all, He still came through for me. Now, I look at areas that I am so hesitant to give up to Him, and I just don't know why. He gave everything for me. Literally He gave His only son. Who does that? I think it's easy to become numb to the idea that Jesus died for our sins. The magnitude of this is so intense, so incredibly intense. If you pause and just think about why someone would do that for you, it's heavy. It's easy to hear this over and over and over and over and not truly recognize how large this act was each time it's heard. I struggle with this. When I was attempting to find Jesus again my sophomore year of college, I used to watch this video.
Ripping control out of my clenched fist is no easy task. My prayer is that God will chisel that part of me away little by little each day.
This journey is no easy stroll through the park, but nobody every said it would be.
Less of me, more of Him.
Lamentations 3:22-26
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
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