Lately I have been so stressed with hoping and praying my thesis will be done in time to graduate (why am I doing a thesis?) , getting a job here in Boone (or somewhere close), and making plans for our new townhouse (YAY!! We move in May). I notice myself obsessing over these things. My stomach churns and I worry, "what if..." In my down time, I have started relentlessly pouring over every possible page on the internet for jobs that I can apply to. It's starting to make me crazy.
Through all of this, I have been totally neglecting my personal time with Jesus. I sit here day after day and stress about what I will do and where will our money come from, and I truly feel that I have this under control and I will figure this out. I have ignored every conviction that I have had to give this burden up and to trust that the Lord will provide for Kyle and I. Even writing this I am finding it difficult.
Every day I want to speak with you. And every day something more important
calls for my attention—the drugstore, the beauty products, the luggage
I need to buy for the trip.
Even now I can hardly sit here
among the falling piles of paper and clothing, the garbage trucks outside
already screeching and banging.
The mystics say you are as close as my own breath.
Why do I flee from you?
My days and nights pour through me like complaints
and become a story I forgot to tell.
Help me. Even as I write these words I am planning
to rise from the chair as soon as I finish this sentence.
-Marie Howe
This is one of my favorite poems in the world. I have never been able to relate to a piece of literature more than this one. After Kyle left for work this morning, I knew I wanted to spend quiet time with Jesus, but my pull to the internet to start scanning for jobs started to overpower me. I closed my computer, opened my bible, and prayed. I prayed for all of the things I wanted and needed help with, and then I remembered something Kyle said the other day. We were furniture shopping for new kitchen chairs and he said, "Jame, I don't want us to ever forget how much we have to be thankful for. We are always seeking something new and then we just forget about what we already have." I thought about this as I was praying and I just sat and gave thanks. Even though the dollars in our bank account may be low, we have a roof over our heads, a fully stocked fridge, and a full tank of kerosene to keep us warm from this awful weather.
I am so very thankful, though I still feel that worry and fear about "what if..." Sometimes I feel like I am so much more disciplined with my physical health than I am with my spiritual health.
"Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance." - 1 Timothy 4:7-9
Spiritual discipline is a process. Kyle and I have created a new prayer and devotions life as a couple, but my own personal spiritual discipline is in need of some training. Here's to your prayer lives, friends. Doubt, worry, and fear are such strong, overpowering feelings, but they are no match for the peace that I find in the presence of my savior.
"In him is life, and that life was the light of all people. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." - John 1:4-5
Here's to seeking the light...now time to shovel the driveway.
No comments:
Post a Comment