My Take on Marriage

Netflix and I are really in a strange stage of our relationship right now.

I am a tv person.  I have watched pretty much every season of every show worth watching on Netflix...seriously.  I have actually watched all seven seasons of Desperate Housewives three times.  No shame.  I am so not a movie person, but I have been doing this weird thing where I am watching movies instead of tv.  Kyle barely recognizes me.  It's crazy.

Over the past three days I have watched the following: 

I Give it a Year
The Lifeguard
Friends with Kids
Drinking Buddies

Pretty impressive, I know.  I'm really not picky about tv or movies at all.  I can pretty much invest in whatever, but ideally, I dig a good dramatic, rom com.  All of the above movies fit this criteria because Netflix knows me better than most people and told me that I would like these movies.

I seriously enjoyed watching these films, and I can remember the plot of almost all of them, which is crazy because I can forget the title of a movie I watched 10 minutes ago...so weird.  But, every single one of these movies left me feeling strange...and kinda sad.  Keep in mind I don't sit and watch tv all day, I swear.  I do things like, go to Taco Tuesday at Boone Saloon, power walk 13 minute miles with my friend Amber, cook, read, you know, other things.  I know the reading part is what caused me feeling weird about these movies.

As I have mentioned before, I am currently reading Tim Keller's book, The Meaning of Marriage.  I said it once and I will say it again, READ THIS BOOK.  Single, engaged, divorced, married, whatever.  Read it.  I recognize that I am a 23-year-old that has not been married, though will be soon (yay!), but I think I have some insight on the subject.  Stick with me.

First, I have a serious problem with the way Hollywood portrays love, kids, and especially marriage.  Every single one of the above movies portrayed marriage as lacking excitement or being boring, not to mention when kids are added into the mix it's game over.  You can kiss all romance and fun goodbye.  This sucks.  I won't lie, watching these movies scared me about kids slightly.  I'm no dummy.  I know kids are tough and life changes drastically, but let's be honest.  Kids were not designed to be destructive to marriage.  They just weren't!  That makes no sense!  Such a beautiful, intense, biologically perfect process of creating a tiny human being that is the perfect combination of both you and your spouse should cause our marriages to grow.  So why doesn't it?  Why does Hollywood have the idea that marriages are not forever and that kids complicate things? 

I think we have become a selfish people.  We are looking to our spouse for ultimate completion and happiness.  I mean that's just insane.  It is impossible to get that kind of return from your spouse.  Impossible.  I truly believe that.  Those who aren't yet married, or are looking to get out of their marriages, have incredibly high hopes of that perfect chemistry, or the ultimate soul mate.  Maybe it was once there, and now it's not.  I think we have incredibly high expectations for finding someone who will take us just as we are and there are no demands for us to change.  We don't want to make sacrifices.  That's just how it is.  It's selfish.  We want everything from a spouse, while wanting to put very little effort into making changes to ourselves.  It just can't work.

Check it out:

Ephesians 5:21-33

²¹ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

People get BENT OUT OF SHAPE, and I mean BENT, at the word, "submit."  But wait!  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.  Whoa.  As Christ loved the church?  That's so much love, friends.  That's so much selflessness.  I think some of our marriages today are lacking this idea of selflessness.  Marriage was designed to be the perfect reflection of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us.  He died for us.  Marriage is a natural thing for humans to be drawn to.  We want a partner to do life with, to have children with, to help bear the burden when times are tough.  Times will be tough.  Guaranteed.  It is work.  It is a full time job that requires maintenance and upkeep.  If you neglect putting gas in your car, it's not going to run.  Duh.  Sacrificing our wants and needs for our spouse is what we're called to do.  I mean, really.

Tim Keller gives a great example in his book that I can totally relate to, and maybe you can too.

Tim and his wife go on vacation with their tiny kids to the town where they both attended seminary.  Tim had really been hoping that he would be able to sneak away for a few hours to go to a bookstore he really loved and get some new books.  He knew it would be inconvenient to his wife, so he never mentioned it, though he hoped that she would say, "Hey honey, I know you love that bookstore.  Why don't you go check it out and I can handle things here with the kids."  That never happened and Tim silently stewed and developed bitterness towards his wife.  He had decided in his head that she knew that he wanted to go to that bookstore, but was just being spiteful and wouldn't let him go.  At the end of the day, Tim mentioned how much he would have liked to go to that bookstore.  His wife replied by telling him he should have spoken up.  He serves her on a daily basis by helping around the house and helping with the kids and she doesn't get a ton of opportunities to serve him.  She felt like he robbed her of the ability to give her a chance to serve her husband.

What a tiny, tiny, small, miniscule, situation this is, but holy cow I can so relate.  Sometimes I just want Kyle to read my mind.  That's just not fair.  I have failed with the selfless card multiple times the past couple of weeks in our relationship.  I was upset when Kyle told me he got a job in Staunton this summer.  Seriously, Jamie?  We have been praying, and praying, and praying for God to provide a job for Kyle this summer and he got one!  Thank goodness.  He was so excited to tell me and I responded with sadness.  I actually cried and it broke Kyle's heart.  I mean that seriously sucked.  I could have handled that situation 3,000 times better than I did.  Fail.  Second, Kyle was going to come visit me in Boone this weekend.  His car broke down on the way  and he was super bummed and I was annoyed that I had to drive to Radford.  I mean...really?

Thankfully, Kyle and I both have apologetic hearts.  I just tend to be the one that is more vocal about exactly what I feel before I think about the repercussions that it might have on Kyle's feelings.  I recognize that I can only have a selflessness attitude in our relationship with the help of Jesus.  He paid the ultimate price for me, and I can give a lot in my relationship with Kyle.  I have nothing but room to give, that just isn't the choice I always make.

I'm excited for marriage.  I really can't wait.  I know there will be highs and lows, but I also know that growth comes from trying times.  I can vouch for that.  A lifetime is a long time, but I seriously can't wait to do life with him.

Thanks for sticking with me.  Maybe you think I'm naive.  I think I have one of the best partners to do life with and he is totally my person.  Marriage is such a blessing.  I don't know why Hollywood has decided to portray marriage in this light, but it must be a result of what we are doing as a whole.

It's gotta change.

We're not perfect, obviously.  I think sometimes my readers think that I'm too hard on myself.  I provide my own personal experiences in hopes that you can relate.  Life is tough, but you learn and trust that God has prepared you for the very season you are in right this second.  Many of my readers are infinitely more seasoned than me to the trials of life.  So much respect for all of you.   

Thanks for reading, friends.  You guys rock. 

A Story of Survival

As another anniversary approaches and marks another year of my mom's survival of breast cancer, I can't help but be reminded of those memories.

When I started having extreme issues with anxiety when I moved to Boone, my doctor told me that he thinks that I am experiencing some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder related to my mom's past breast cancer.  My anxiety is always triggered by stress, and then evolves into extreme hypochondria.  When he proposed this theory to me I was like, "No.  You're crazy.  Take my blood, hook me up to an EKG, I am dying, seriously."  After I have been told time and time again that I am perfectly fine, I have begun to think more about this idea of "PTSD" caused by the trauma that hit our family in 2009.

If you don't know, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009, just as I was headed into my first year of college at JMU.  I remember coming home and my mom and dad sitting on the front porch.  My dad had his arm around her and I remember thinking how cute they looked.  I parked my car and started walking towards the garage and I found my grandma in there waiting.  She was crying and it hit me like a blow to the stomach when she told me my mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I was 18 years old when she told me that news.  If you have ever played Call of Duty, there have been two times in my life where I have felt like a flash grenade just went off in my face.  This was one of those times.  I remember everything just stopped during those brief seconds.  My sister had just turned 12 and I remember one of my first thoughts being, "I have to get to Cassie."  I've never told her this, but that was the first time I realized how deep my love was, and is, for my sister.  I could barely process the news myself that I just couldn't even grasp what a 12 year old child would be feeling.  Not to mention my dad, or my mom.  Geesh.  I remember feeling nothing as I responded with silence to the news.  I walked up the stairs, slowly closed my bedroom door, sat on my bed, cried, and then I wrote.  I wrote almost every single day as my mom was going through blood draws, bone scans, doctors appointments, and surgery after surgery, after surgery.  I look back at my writing and I was so angry, so incredibly angry.  I am sad for that 18 year old girl when I read those words.  Words of anger and hatred and crying out to God, "Why?  Why this?  Why my family."  I pleaded with Him to protect my mom and keep my family safe during those times.

To be honest, I have blocked out many of the memories of that year.  Some of the memories are engrained in my brain for life, but mostly I coped by forgetting.  My strongest memories are of when I was told the news, and how I remember my mom laying in that hospital bed at Martha Jefferson Hospital after her double mastectomy.  That was hard, so hard, and that memory is one of the strongest memories I have, but it doesn't hold a candle to the new memories we have.

I was so fearful during that time.  I look at myself now and I am still fearful.  I fear for myself and if I one day will face the challenges that come along with cancer, as many people will.  I realize that I never had to be worried about my mom, and I don't need to be worried now.  My mom was so spiritually strong going into breast cancer, and it only made her tougher.  Throughout it all, my mom kept her hope entirely in Christ.  What else can we do?  No doctor, no family member, no material possession, will ever provide the kind of hope and peace that can be found in Jesus.  I realize that now.  I had turned away from the Lord during that time period.  I was mad, I was doing stupid "teenager" stuff and I was starting to lead a life that didn't care about glorifying God.  I just...didn't.  I I never thought I would be sitting here, at 23 years old, (I think I'm 23?  Sometimes I can't remember if I'm 23 or 24...seriously) first off, writing a blog post, second off, writing a blog post with this subject matter.   

This is all to say that I am feeling incredibly thankful.  We are really blessed to have such great access to healthcare in the US.  Every day researchers are working to know more about cancer and how to treat it.  I am so thankful for that.  I know many of you reading this may be struggling with a loved one who has been diagnosed with cancer.  Fear is not the answer.  I am praying for peace for all of you, because ultimately that will bring rest about the situation.  Our doctors work hard, and every day people are living longer and beating this horrible disease.  Nothing but a thankful heart for that.

Second, I am also thankful to be in a different walk of life.  My faith has matured and I have come a long way since I was that 18 year old girl, shaking her fists at God.  I know God's will may not always be the same as my will, but I know that He will always take care of me and He will never forsake me.  There is no peace like the peace that can be found in Him.

There's no better, or easier way to say it, but cancer is a bitch.  You may be feeling angry and I might have just taken the words right out of your mouth.  It comes in like a tornado and turns all of our lives upside down.  But, it is temporary, Lord willing.  If there is one thing I have learned, it's that life is not always smooth roads and easy sailing.  There are storms, and there are curve balls, and that is just the way it is.  Leave the fear behind, and give it to God.  It will be the best decision you ever made.  Truly trusting it's in His hands makes the burden so much lighter.  Survival makes you tough and makes life that much sweeter.

I love you guys.  This was a tough post to write, but it's been on my mind.  On July 23rd of this year, my mom will celebrate 5 years of being cancer-free, praise God.  Keep in mind this was a happy story with a great ending, as many other cancer stories have.  The ending is awesome and can be summarized like this: survival and hope in something better, and more fulfilling.

Pray for peace, friends.
All will be well. 

Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

John 16:33
"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble, but take heart!  I have overcome the world."

The Summer of Poverty

Since my last post, I have been incredibly productive.  Just know that this will be elaborated on later in this post, so stay tuned.

When I made the decision to stay in Boone this summer, I was really not digging the idea.  I wanted to go back to Fishersville, or just be closer to where Kyle was.  I was hating on Boone so hard after the nasty winter we had.  I needed OFF this mountain.  Commuting one mile to work (walking) in -20 degrees with wind chill really put a nasty taste in my mouth.  Weird, huh?  With that being said, BOONE IS KILLING IT THIS SUMMER.  I am totally digging it.  The weather is beautiful, the days are long, I work minimally, and I can literally walk everywhere, with preparation for rain, of course (true Boone fashion).

The working minimally part is...rough.  These are the poorest times of my life that I can remember...except when I used to get down to the cent in my checking account when I was a seventeen year old with a debit card and a part time job.  Literally, lol.  I am working about 10 hours per week and I make just enough to pay my car insurance, my phone bill, put gas in my car, and attend $1.00 Taco Tuesday at Boone Saloon on Tuesdays.  Surprisingly, I am totally digging poverty right now.

I have found that most activities in life involve money and most of our daily activities involve money.  This is much more apparent when poor.  Capitalizing on things like Taco Tuesday is CRUCIAL for the social life.  The free time is flowing, which has been totally weird for me, and the money is just...not.  So, I have been doing so many fun things!

First, on Monday I got off work at 1:30 and came home to a whole free day to myself.  I vowed not to log hours upon hours on Netflix so, naturally, I headed to Goodwill (my boredom go-to).  The night before I had been dreaming of getting a screen door for my front door.  This little studio apartment gets stuffy, friends.  I looked on the Lowe's website only to find the cheapest door is like $38...aka way outside of this girl's budget.  I rolled up to Goodwill and headed straight to housewares and guys, I found the treasure of all treasures.  There, sitting among a pile of chairs, dressers, and old bed frames, was the treasure I had been dreaming of:  A brand new screen door with the price tag of $5.  I can swing $5.  PURCHASED.  Buying this screen door triggered an entire apartment renewal.  I tore this place apart.  I deep cleaned like I never had before and I decided to rearrange my furniture.  *Note: rearranging furniture for 5+ hours straight will lead to soreness.*  I am so into this new arrangement.  Because I am sure you are so intrigued to see my new layout, screen door and all, check it out:

I can also read and cook because I have TIME.  To do these things.  Tonight I made a sweet potato quesadilla with fresh spinach, tomato, and cilantro and lime black beans.  I was able to sit down and read my book, The Meaning of Marriage (by Tim Keller), with the windows open.  If you haven't read this book, read it.  Married or not, you will love it and it will likely benefit you in some way.   

I am just loving this time.  God has seriously blessed me with some down time, even if that does mean times are tight.  So worth it.  I was really feeling like my anxiety was starting to run my life.  Sometimes we just need a break.  Keeping up with my blog has been great.  I saw a cool quote tonight by Flannery O'Connor, "I write to discover what I know."  This is somewhat true for me.  It really helps me see in words what is on my heart.  We all need a break.  To all you busy people who think that a break seems unattainable, especially you moms, I encourage you to try the following:

  

Relaxation at it's finest.  Shaving your legs doesn't even suck when done in this fashion.  I have really had a heart for you mamas lately.  We all need time to breathe, but sometimes kiddos are resilient to grant that time.  Wine in the shower = instant cure.  Seriously.

Friends, I am hoping that you can find some rest and relaxation.  I am so thankful for this season, busy times are ahead, without a doubt.  Thesis + wedding planning...totally chill (not).  Capitalize on your "down" seasons and embrace the times when you're not as productive as you have been in previous times of your life.  After writing my last post, I had a talk with Kyle about how maybe I am being too hard on myself.  I need a task to complete and I always need to be working towards a goal.  It's in my nature and it isn't a bad thing, but times of rest are necessary.  I am so ready to embrace this time.

Here's to summer time, where the living's easy.
 
Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are wearied and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Magnificence in the Mundane

This morning started off with disappointment.

Since I arrived in Radford on Thursday evening, I have been looking forward to this morning.  I love Kyle's church so much.  The pastor is so transparent and real, the worship is solid and heartfelt, and I truly look forward to Sundays at Vally Bible.  We walked downtown around 10:45 to get to church by 11:00 and it dawned on me that the summer hours may be different.  Sure enough, we arrived at church to see that it had started at 10:00 and we had missed it.  About 2 hours ago, I was crushed.  I felt like the Griswold family when they arrive at Walley World only to find it closed.  I considered buying a pellet gun and threatening Bret to do it again...but I mean, come on.  That would be crazy.  

I walked home feeling dejected and mad.  I was mad I didn't double check on the time the night before.  I was being super melodramatic, but guys, this church is seriously awesome.  

Since then, my heart has changed to a heart of thankfulness.  Kyle pulled out his computer when we got home and found that this morning's sermon had already been posted.  He plugged his computer into the speakers and we opened our bibles and did church in true at-home-fashion.  

Bret spoke all about captivation and how we tend to not really see what is directly in front of us and all around us.  We become captivated by the immediate daily tasks around us and fixated by the little things that boost us and keep us going through the week.  Parents, this may be bedtime for the kids.  Students, this may be finally taking the exam you have been cramming for all week.  Working professionals (shout out to most of my friends), this may be finally having a day off and going out for drinks with some friends.  

We are fixated on these moments and tend to ignore the beauty in the immediate.    

David wrote Psalm 29 just to detail the power of God in 11 verses.  Just because.  How cool is that?  Do I notice God's glory all around me on a daily basis?  No.  He steers the storms and wields the winds and most of the time I'm oblivious.  I'm like, "Can this day just be over, puhleeeease."  I often lose sight of what is unfolding before me and I tend to take for granted what I have.  Why have I been given so much?  

I am so thankful.  Particularly, I am thankful for:

• A God who is personal.  He pursued me, little me, and He sent His son to save me.  He dwells with me, regardless of if I actually see what He is doing and He blesses me with peace.  Thank you.
• Kyle.  He challenges me and engages me to pursue what is on my heart.  I am thankful he initiated listening to this morning's sermon at home while I was feeling so down.  
• Kyle, again.  We do so many fun things and really take advantage of the time we have together.  He plays tennis with me, even when I beat him every time (he is a tough competitor, trust me.  He actually dives on the court and risks his health just to get the ball back).  I am thankful for that.  What a man.
• A mother who is pretty much planning my entire wedding and a father (and mother) who is paying for it.  Thank. Goodness.  They are seriously the bomb and I have nothing but love and gratefulness for these two people.   
• MY THESIS PROPOSAL IS COMPLETE.  #PTL.  If anyone is interested in water immersion skin wrinkling testing and how it may correlate with tilt-table testing and autonomic function, hit me up.  I'm here to talk. 

Work hard to find magnificence in the mundane.  Life is forever changing, but we are surrounded by beauty.  

Happy Sunday, friends.

xoxo

Laziness

SUMMER IS FINALLY HERE!!!!!

With that being said, I feel like I have a lot of expectations for myself this summer.  I don't have school (sorta), I'm only working 15 hours a week, and....yeah.  That's about it.  I got to spend some time at home in VA for about 20 days, which was awesome.  I was pretty lazy.  Laid around my house, drank some craft beer, and hung out with the family and future hubs.  I told Kyle that when I got back to Boone I was going to do more things, like:

• Use my awesome new bread maker
• Make more homemade things (like food)
• Paint/journal more
• Keep up with my blog
• Deep clean my house
• Be crafty
• Visit friends and family
• Go on more weekend trips
• Read more books

So...Day 2 in Boone and SHOCKER, I'm blogging.  It feels like the most productive thing I've done, but maybe that's because I have a thesis proposal due date looming over my head.  Pfft...It's summer.  I'll do it tomorrow...or the day after that.  

Many of you moms, or other people who read my blog, are going to laugh at what I'm about to say:  I feel like I lead a super busy life during the school year and I am really thankful for this time to sit around and do nothing.  I mean really.  Now that I am working and doing grad school, Monday through Friday I am gone from 7 am to 6 pm.  WAHHHHHH feel bad for me!  Sometimes when I am walking home from school after a long day I think about what it would be like if I were going home to a family that I had to feed and take care of.  I honestly don't know how moms do it.  *Shout out to you people, you rock.*  Anyways, during those busy times I miss doing the things I love, like painting, writing, reading, or doing whatever the heck I want.  At the end of the day it's usually just easier to get on my computer and waste some time before bed.

Well, this summer I WILL NOT STAND FOR THAT.  I have vowed to not let my computer dictate my free time.  Blog, hold me accountable puh-lease.  I have spent a lot of time talking with Kyle, friends, and family about how we end up leading lives we don't really want to lead.  We work 60 hour work weeks to make a bunch of money and come home to our loved ones exhausted.  Life is so incredibly short and I have such a hard time seeing that role for myself.  I think about how much I love Kyle and how much I will one day love our future kids and I don't want to be tired and cranky when I get home from work every day.  I don't know...I really struggle with this Americanized work and family relationship that has become the norm for so many of us.  Call me a crazy idealist, but I just can't get over it.  It seems so dumb. 

I went on a walk with a friend this weekend who really inspired me.  I always love catching up with her, as we have really developed some of the same interests over the past year.  She has such a desire to be a minimalist, to love, and to share the gospel.  How cool is that?!  What if we all desired those things?  I really find myself slipping into a cycle of laziness and with it I stress about the future and where Kyle and I will work and how we will afford to live.  I don't want to let laziness and worldly ideals run my life.  

So pretty much I have determined that that's what it all comes down to:

Laziness.

I chose to lay in my bed on my computer for countless hours watching Netflix, stalking places I may one day want to go, or craigslist apartments that I will never rent, but still like to look at it.  It's so easy to sit behind my computer and pass the time.  I mean it really involves zero work or thought process.  I'm pretty into that, but I want to be less into that.  I scroll through instagram and look at the hard work some of my friends put into making their meals every single day, and I'm like, "Shoot, I'm going to Chipotle."  That part I can be okay with.  I truly find absolute zero joy in cooking, unless I'm cooking with someone, but props to you people that are into it.  Laziness is killing my creative drive.  I need to be writing more, I need to read, and I need to paint.  These things keep my mind fresh, and I need that.  It all just seems like so much work right now and I am lacking motivation.  Getting all my paints out means cleaning all my paints up.  Making homemade hummus means a butt ton of dishes that I will have to wash afterwards.  *Jesus, I pray that our future home has a dishwasher.  Amen.*

If you've stuck with me this long, thank you.  Maybe you're feeling the same.  I feel like laziness and the struggle with screen time is pretty real for my generation.  I don't think it's crazy, but I do think it takes some will power from me to get up and go do it, rather than thinking about doing it.

Here's to summer time, folks.  Let's tear it up and live it out for all it's worth.
Keep me motivated, friends!  Expect some productive posts in the near future.

Now get off the computer and go hang out with your people.

I Could Play the Background

It's been a long time!  So much is happening in my life that it has been hard to take time to just sit down and write. 

So...first off, I'M ENGAGED!!  What?!  Two Fridays ago Kyle took me into Floyd to go to one of our favorite restaurants, Dogtown Roadhouse.  We had a 60 minute and a veggie pizza and it was every bit as lovely as it sounds.  Kyle was pretty adamant about catching the sunset up on the parkway after we finished dinner.  He popped the question here: 

 

And I obviously said yes and he gave me this beautiful ring:

 

 

God has blessed me immeasurably.  Kyle Inlow has been the biggest blessing to my life and he is truly a daily reminder of how deep the father's love for me is.  April 14, 2014 was one of the greatest days of my life and I cannot wait to tie the knot with this man.  I wouldn't want to do life with any other person.

On a different, but similar note, on my way down to Radford that weekend I was blasting some Lecrae and some of his lyrics hit me pretty hard.  At the time, I didn't realize how incredibly applicable they were going to be to my life until recently.  

Amidst the hectic-ness of grad school, work, and planning a wedding, my thoughts have been incredibly crowded.  I feel like my brain hasn't had time to rest and I'm spinning in this tornado of plans.  Plans, plans, plans.  I'm type A and I am all about some plans, but I absolutely recognize my need to let go of control.  This has been a common discussion between Kyle and I recently.  I am desperate to be more laid back and to just loosen up the reins. 

I caught myself doing the dishes the other day and going through this series of thoughts:

Where are Kyle and I going to live?

What am I going to do? 

What is he going to do? 

How are we going to get all of our stuff to wherever we move?

If we make this much money we can pay this, this, and this, and have...$0 left over.

How am I going to write a thesis, defend my thesis, and get married one month later?

How am I going to help my mom plan a wedding during my second year of grad school?!

Do I really want to get a PhD?!

*Relax.  "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" (Matt. 6:27)*

I have to tell myself this constantly and it gets easier.  I can let go.  It isn't up to me to decide.  Whatever my plans may be may not necessarily be what God has in store for Kyle and I.  That is okay.  

The lyrics that were playing on my way to Radford that weekend were from the song Background.  I am so into planning every move that I could possibly make so that I am never surprised and always prepared.  This song has become my daily prayer, these words in particular:

I know I'm safest when I'm in Your will, and trust Your Word
I know I'm dangerous when I trust myself, my vision blurred
And I ain't got no time to play life's foolish games
Got plenty aims, but do they really glorify Your name?
And it's a shame, the way I want to do these things for You, yet
Don't even cling to you, take time to sit and glean from You
Seems You were patient in my ignorance...

I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

Here's to learning to play the background.  There are nothing but exciting times ahead.  His plan is infinitely greater than anything that I could ever conjure up and that is all the peace I need.  

Happy Good Friday, friends.   

  

Drowning

It feels like I haven't written in forever.  My life in Boone has gotten significantly more chaotic in the past month.  I began working as a graduate assistant this semester with the Learning Assistance Program, specifically with Academic Services for Athletes.  I lead study halls 15 hours a week and work with athletes to help them maintain their grades (and eligibility), work on homework, and plan projected weekly schedules.  Additionally, I am taking 10 credit hours, training for a 10-miler at the end of the March, and trying to maintain some sort of social life.  It has been challenging, but I am thankful for less idle time. 

Guys.  I have been seriously struggling.  My life significantly changed when I moved to Boone.  While I liiiike living in Boone, I miss Kyle, my family, and my friends on a daily basis.  As you know, I was teetering on the borders of depression when I first made this move and was struggling with feelings of intense loneliness.  While I am no longer sad, lonely (praise), or bored, my anxiety has reached new levels.  Seriously.  I have never known anxiety to the extent that I know it now.

In attempts to pacify myself yesterday afternoon, I read something that I could finally completely relate to:

"The cyclical nature of anxiety is one of the reasons that anxiety can be so hard to treat without some type of outside intervention.  You experience anxiety, then you experience very frightening symptoms, and then you experience anxiety over those symptoms."

Yes.  That is my life.  I am officially losing control and I am in the process of being okay with the fact that an outside intervention is necessary.  Maybe you guys can relate.

The root of my anxiety is my hypochondriac nature.  It is a spiraling, deep, dark pit and sometimes I just can't crawl out of it, or even see the light at the top.  I will lie awake at night tossing and turning, convinced that I have contracted either A) radon poisoning from my basement apartment, B) breast cancer (probably stage 4 and I've had it for like 2 years), or C) heart disease.  I mean it isn't even limited to these things.  It's truly anything.  I can't even actually believe I am writing this ridiculousness in a blog post, but I think it's important.  Maybe you also have unreasonable fears, or you recognize that you are being irrational, but you need someone to reassure you.  I get that.  Seriously.  I have gone so far as to look up case studies on radon deaths on PubMed, only to find that cause of death is usually lung cancer, not heart disease, and then I will convince myself that I have heart disease.  I'm not lying.  Even typing these words I am fearful.  I have to constantly remind myself of the facts.  I am 23 years old, I exercise 6 days a week, my heart beats at 53 bpm, and I have a resting blood pressure of 100/60.  I am okay, I am okay, I am okay, OH MY GOSH I AM NOT OKAY.  Begin panic.

It's awful.  I have never experience panic in the way that I have this year.  The worst part is that I feel like a failure.  At night I lie awake pleading with Jesus to take my thoughts away.  Thanking him for giving me control over my mind, but to please rid myself of the darkness that I face every single night.  I hate the night.  Nights are hard for me, it's when I am alone and when I struggle the most.  I frantically and desperately pray, yet I can't find peace.  I am frustrated, so incredibly frustrated.  I feel like I should be able to handle this and I know that my feelings of failure in my relationship with Christ are not from Him, but I am struggling to shake the feeling.

Yesterday was painful, but I am on the upward slope.  The anxiety that I feel has been clouding my ability to find joy and it takes away the hours of sleep that I need to be getting at night.  After a sleepless night on Saturday, a public panic attack at church on Sunday, and about a gallon of tears later, I am feeling peace.  I spoke with some of my favorite people in life and I received some great insight, as well as prayer.

I need help.  Anxiety-related hyperventilation, chest pain, and night sweats are not okay.  I am reliant on my savior, but He has blessed us with individuals who are trained in the medical field and who can help.  I don't need to feel like I'm drowning in darkness. 

Last night I began taking Melatonin and I slept through the whole night (minus when I woke up to my mouse traps snapping in the closet - win, the tally is up to 4).  I have a doctor's appointment next Tuesday, but I just really need you guys to pray for me.  Anxiety is real and I am so sorry to all of you who experience it on a regular basis.  It's miserable, but you know, a good friend told me that it's not forever and there is hope.  There is always hope.  My mom sent me some awesome scripture that has just soothed me so much over the past 24 hours.

I won't post the entire chapter, but if you're struggling with anxiety, please go read Psalm 139.  Actually, go read it no matter what.  It is so good.  These verses in particular have helped me so much:

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

To know that He is the Lord of both the dark and the light is so comforting to me.  I must have told myself that 100 times in the past 12 hours.  Anxiety is all over the bible.  He knew that our human selves would struggle, and man, was He right.  I'm struggling, but I am excited to move beyond this.  Everything is going to be okay.  If you're struggling, it will be okay.  I'm praying for you and you are heavy on my heart this morning. 

Thanks for reading, friends.  You are all so special to me.  Relax.  The mind is one of the wildest beasts to tame, but there is peace all around us.