As another anniversary approaches and marks another year of my mom's survival of breast cancer, I can't help but be reminded of those memories.
When I started having extreme issues with anxiety when I moved to Boone, my doctor told me that he thinks that I am experiencing some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder related to my mom's past breast cancer. My anxiety is always triggered by stress, and then evolves into extreme hypochondria. When he proposed this theory to me I was like, "No. You're crazy. Take my blood, hook me up to an EKG, I am dying, seriously." After I have been told time and time again that I am perfectly fine, I have begun to think more about this idea of "PTSD" caused by the trauma that hit our family in 2009.
If you don't know, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009, just as I was headed into my first year of college at JMU. I remember coming home and my mom and dad sitting on the front porch. My dad had his arm around her and I remember thinking how cute they looked. I parked my car and started walking towards the garage and I found my grandma in there waiting. She was crying and it hit me like a blow to the stomach when she told me my mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer.
I was 18 years old when she told me that news. If you have ever played Call of Duty, there have been two times in my life where I have felt like a flash grenade just went off in my face. This was one of those times. I remember everything just stopped during those brief seconds. My sister had just turned 12 and I remember one of my first thoughts being, "I have to get to Cassie." I've never told her this, but that was the first time I realized how deep my love was, and is, for my sister. I could barely process the news myself that I just couldn't even grasp what a 12 year old child would be feeling. Not to mention my dad, or my mom. Geesh. I remember feeling nothing as I responded with silence to the news. I walked up the stairs, slowly closed my bedroom door, sat on my bed, cried, and then I wrote. I wrote almost every single day as my mom was going through blood draws, bone scans, doctors appointments, and surgery after surgery, after surgery. I look back at my writing and I was so angry, so incredibly angry. I am sad for that 18 year old girl when I read those words. Words of anger and hatred and crying out to God, "Why? Why this? Why my family." I pleaded with Him to protect my mom and keep my family safe during those times.
To be honest, I have blocked out many of the memories of that year. Some of the memories are engrained in my brain for life, but mostly I coped by forgetting. My strongest memories are of when I was told the news, and how I remember my mom laying in that hospital bed at Martha Jefferson Hospital after her double mastectomy. That was hard, so hard, and that memory is one of the strongest memories I have, but it doesn't hold a candle to the new memories we have.
I was so fearful during that time. I look at myself now and I am still fearful. I fear for myself and if I one day will face the challenges that come along with cancer, as many people will. I realize that I never had to be worried about my mom, and I don't need to be worried now. My mom was so spiritually strong going into breast cancer, and it only made her tougher. Throughout it all, my mom kept her hope entirely in Christ. What else can we do? No doctor, no family member, no material possession, will ever provide the kind of hope and peace that can be found in Jesus. I realize that now. I had turned away from the Lord during that time period. I was mad, I was doing stupid "teenager" stuff and I was starting to lead a life that didn't care about glorifying God. I just...didn't. I I never thought I would be sitting here, at 23 years old, (I think I'm 23? Sometimes I can't remember if I'm 23 or 24...seriously) first off, writing a blog post, second off, writing a blog post with this subject matter.
This is all to say that I am feeling incredibly thankful. We are really blessed to have such great access to healthcare in the US. Every day researchers are working to know more about cancer and how to treat it. I am so thankful for that. I know many of you reading this may be struggling with a loved one who has been diagnosed with cancer. Fear is not the answer. I am praying for peace for all of you, because ultimately that will bring rest about the situation. Our doctors work hard, and every day people are living longer and beating this horrible disease. Nothing but a thankful heart for that.
Second, I am also thankful to be in a different walk of life. My faith has matured and I have come a long way since I was that 18 year old girl, shaking her fists at God. I know God's will may not always be the same as my will, but I know that He will always take care of me and He will never forsake me. There is no peace like the peace that can be found in Him.
There's no better, or easier way to say it, but cancer is a bitch. You may be feeling angry and I might have just taken the words right out of your mouth. It comes in like a tornado and turns all of our lives upside down. But, it is temporary, Lord willing. If there is one thing I have learned, it's that life is not always smooth roads and easy sailing. There are storms, and there are curve balls, and that is just the way it is. Leave the fear behind, and give it to God. It will be the best decision you ever made. Truly trusting it's in His hands makes the burden so much lighter. Survival makes you tough and makes life that much sweeter.
I love you guys. This was a tough post to write, but it's been on my mind. On July 23rd of this year, my mom will celebrate 5 years of being cancer-free, praise God. Keep in mind this was a happy story with a great ending, as many other cancer stories have. The ending is awesome and can be summarized like this: survival and hope in something better, and more fulfilling.
Pray for peace, friends.
All will be well.
Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
John 16:33
"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world."
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