My Take on Marriage

Netflix and I are really in a strange stage of our relationship right now.

I am a tv person.  I have watched pretty much every season of every show worth watching on Netflix...seriously.  I have actually watched all seven seasons of Desperate Housewives three times.  No shame.  I am so not a movie person, but I have been doing this weird thing where I am watching movies instead of tv.  Kyle barely recognizes me.  It's crazy.

Over the past three days I have watched the following: 

I Give it a Year
The Lifeguard
Friends with Kids
Drinking Buddies

Pretty impressive, I know.  I'm really not picky about tv or movies at all.  I can pretty much invest in whatever, but ideally, I dig a good dramatic, rom com.  All of the above movies fit this criteria because Netflix knows me better than most people and told me that I would like these movies.

I seriously enjoyed watching these films, and I can remember the plot of almost all of them, which is crazy because I can forget the title of a movie I watched 10 minutes ago...so weird.  But, every single one of these movies left me feeling strange...and kinda sad.  Keep in mind I don't sit and watch tv all day, I swear.  I do things like, go to Taco Tuesday at Boone Saloon, power walk 13 minute miles with my friend Amber, cook, read, you know, other things.  I know the reading part is what caused me feeling weird about these movies.

As I have mentioned before, I am currently reading Tim Keller's book, The Meaning of Marriage.  I said it once and I will say it again, READ THIS BOOK.  Single, engaged, divorced, married, whatever.  Read it.  I recognize that I am a 23-year-old that has not been married, though will be soon (yay!), but I think I have some insight on the subject.  Stick with me.

First, I have a serious problem with the way Hollywood portrays love, kids, and especially marriage.  Every single one of the above movies portrayed marriage as lacking excitement or being boring, not to mention when kids are added into the mix it's game over.  You can kiss all romance and fun goodbye.  This sucks.  I won't lie, watching these movies scared me about kids slightly.  I'm no dummy.  I know kids are tough and life changes drastically, but let's be honest.  Kids were not designed to be destructive to marriage.  They just weren't!  That makes no sense!  Such a beautiful, intense, biologically perfect process of creating a tiny human being that is the perfect combination of both you and your spouse should cause our marriages to grow.  So why doesn't it?  Why does Hollywood have the idea that marriages are not forever and that kids complicate things? 

I think we have become a selfish people.  We are looking to our spouse for ultimate completion and happiness.  I mean that's just insane.  It is impossible to get that kind of return from your spouse.  Impossible.  I truly believe that.  Those who aren't yet married, or are looking to get out of their marriages, have incredibly high hopes of that perfect chemistry, or the ultimate soul mate.  Maybe it was once there, and now it's not.  I think we have incredibly high expectations for finding someone who will take us just as we are and there are no demands for us to change.  We don't want to make sacrifices.  That's just how it is.  It's selfish.  We want everything from a spouse, while wanting to put very little effort into making changes to ourselves.  It just can't work.

Check it out:

Ephesians 5:21-33

²¹ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

People get BENT OUT OF SHAPE, and I mean BENT, at the word, "submit."  But wait!  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.  Whoa.  As Christ loved the church?  That's so much love, friends.  That's so much selflessness.  I think some of our marriages today are lacking this idea of selflessness.  Marriage was designed to be the perfect reflection of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us.  He died for us.  Marriage is a natural thing for humans to be drawn to.  We want a partner to do life with, to have children with, to help bear the burden when times are tough.  Times will be tough.  Guaranteed.  It is work.  It is a full time job that requires maintenance and upkeep.  If you neglect putting gas in your car, it's not going to run.  Duh.  Sacrificing our wants and needs for our spouse is what we're called to do.  I mean, really.

Tim Keller gives a great example in his book that I can totally relate to, and maybe you can too.

Tim and his wife go on vacation with their tiny kids to the town where they both attended seminary.  Tim had really been hoping that he would be able to sneak away for a few hours to go to a bookstore he really loved and get some new books.  He knew it would be inconvenient to his wife, so he never mentioned it, though he hoped that she would say, "Hey honey, I know you love that bookstore.  Why don't you go check it out and I can handle things here with the kids."  That never happened and Tim silently stewed and developed bitterness towards his wife.  He had decided in his head that she knew that he wanted to go to that bookstore, but was just being spiteful and wouldn't let him go.  At the end of the day, Tim mentioned how much he would have liked to go to that bookstore.  His wife replied by telling him he should have spoken up.  He serves her on a daily basis by helping around the house and helping with the kids and she doesn't get a ton of opportunities to serve him.  She felt like he robbed her of the ability to give her a chance to serve her husband.

What a tiny, tiny, small, miniscule, situation this is, but holy cow I can so relate.  Sometimes I just want Kyle to read my mind.  That's just not fair.  I have failed with the selfless card multiple times the past couple of weeks in our relationship.  I was upset when Kyle told me he got a job in Staunton this summer.  Seriously, Jamie?  We have been praying, and praying, and praying for God to provide a job for Kyle this summer and he got one!  Thank goodness.  He was so excited to tell me and I responded with sadness.  I actually cried and it broke Kyle's heart.  I mean that seriously sucked.  I could have handled that situation 3,000 times better than I did.  Fail.  Second, Kyle was going to come visit me in Boone this weekend.  His car broke down on the way  and he was super bummed and I was annoyed that I had to drive to Radford.  I mean...really?

Thankfully, Kyle and I both have apologetic hearts.  I just tend to be the one that is more vocal about exactly what I feel before I think about the repercussions that it might have on Kyle's feelings.  I recognize that I can only have a selflessness attitude in our relationship with the help of Jesus.  He paid the ultimate price for me, and I can give a lot in my relationship with Kyle.  I have nothing but room to give, that just isn't the choice I always make.

I'm excited for marriage.  I really can't wait.  I know there will be highs and lows, but I also know that growth comes from trying times.  I can vouch for that.  A lifetime is a long time, but I seriously can't wait to do life with him.

Thanks for sticking with me.  Maybe you think I'm naive.  I think I have one of the best partners to do life with and he is totally my person.  Marriage is such a blessing.  I don't know why Hollywood has decided to portray marriage in this light, but it must be a result of what we are doing as a whole.

It's gotta change.

We're not perfect, obviously.  I think sometimes my readers think that I'm too hard on myself.  I provide my own personal experiences in hopes that you can relate.  Life is tough, but you learn and trust that God has prepared you for the very season you are in right this second.  Many of my readers are infinitely more seasoned than me to the trials of life.  So much respect for all of you.   

Thanks for reading, friends.  You guys rock. 

A Story of Survival

As another anniversary approaches and marks another year of my mom's survival of breast cancer, I can't help but be reminded of those memories.

When I started having extreme issues with anxiety when I moved to Boone, my doctor told me that he thinks that I am experiencing some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder related to my mom's past breast cancer.  My anxiety is always triggered by stress, and then evolves into extreme hypochondria.  When he proposed this theory to me I was like, "No.  You're crazy.  Take my blood, hook me up to an EKG, I am dying, seriously."  After I have been told time and time again that I am perfectly fine, I have begun to think more about this idea of "PTSD" caused by the trauma that hit our family in 2009.

If you don't know, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009, just as I was headed into my first year of college at JMU.  I remember coming home and my mom and dad sitting on the front porch.  My dad had his arm around her and I remember thinking how cute they looked.  I parked my car and started walking towards the garage and I found my grandma in there waiting.  She was crying and it hit me like a blow to the stomach when she told me my mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I was 18 years old when she told me that news.  If you have ever played Call of Duty, there have been two times in my life where I have felt like a flash grenade just went off in my face.  This was one of those times.  I remember everything just stopped during those brief seconds.  My sister had just turned 12 and I remember one of my first thoughts being, "I have to get to Cassie."  I've never told her this, but that was the first time I realized how deep my love was, and is, for my sister.  I could barely process the news myself that I just couldn't even grasp what a 12 year old child would be feeling.  Not to mention my dad, or my mom.  Geesh.  I remember feeling nothing as I responded with silence to the news.  I walked up the stairs, slowly closed my bedroom door, sat on my bed, cried, and then I wrote.  I wrote almost every single day as my mom was going through blood draws, bone scans, doctors appointments, and surgery after surgery, after surgery.  I look back at my writing and I was so angry, so incredibly angry.  I am sad for that 18 year old girl when I read those words.  Words of anger and hatred and crying out to God, "Why?  Why this?  Why my family."  I pleaded with Him to protect my mom and keep my family safe during those times.

To be honest, I have blocked out many of the memories of that year.  Some of the memories are engrained in my brain for life, but mostly I coped by forgetting.  My strongest memories are of when I was told the news, and how I remember my mom laying in that hospital bed at Martha Jefferson Hospital after her double mastectomy.  That was hard, so hard, and that memory is one of the strongest memories I have, but it doesn't hold a candle to the new memories we have.

I was so fearful during that time.  I look at myself now and I am still fearful.  I fear for myself and if I one day will face the challenges that come along with cancer, as many people will.  I realize that I never had to be worried about my mom, and I don't need to be worried now.  My mom was so spiritually strong going into breast cancer, and it only made her tougher.  Throughout it all, my mom kept her hope entirely in Christ.  What else can we do?  No doctor, no family member, no material possession, will ever provide the kind of hope and peace that can be found in Jesus.  I realize that now.  I had turned away from the Lord during that time period.  I was mad, I was doing stupid "teenager" stuff and I was starting to lead a life that didn't care about glorifying God.  I just...didn't.  I I never thought I would be sitting here, at 23 years old, (I think I'm 23?  Sometimes I can't remember if I'm 23 or 24...seriously) first off, writing a blog post, second off, writing a blog post with this subject matter.   

This is all to say that I am feeling incredibly thankful.  We are really blessed to have such great access to healthcare in the US.  Every day researchers are working to know more about cancer and how to treat it.  I am so thankful for that.  I know many of you reading this may be struggling with a loved one who has been diagnosed with cancer.  Fear is not the answer.  I am praying for peace for all of you, because ultimately that will bring rest about the situation.  Our doctors work hard, and every day people are living longer and beating this horrible disease.  Nothing but a thankful heart for that.

Second, I am also thankful to be in a different walk of life.  My faith has matured and I have come a long way since I was that 18 year old girl, shaking her fists at God.  I know God's will may not always be the same as my will, but I know that He will always take care of me and He will never forsake me.  There is no peace like the peace that can be found in Him.

There's no better, or easier way to say it, but cancer is a bitch.  You may be feeling angry and I might have just taken the words right out of your mouth.  It comes in like a tornado and turns all of our lives upside down.  But, it is temporary, Lord willing.  If there is one thing I have learned, it's that life is not always smooth roads and easy sailing.  There are storms, and there are curve balls, and that is just the way it is.  Leave the fear behind, and give it to God.  It will be the best decision you ever made.  Truly trusting it's in His hands makes the burden so much lighter.  Survival makes you tough and makes life that much sweeter.

I love you guys.  This was a tough post to write, but it's been on my mind.  On July 23rd of this year, my mom will celebrate 5 years of being cancer-free, praise God.  Keep in mind this was a happy story with a great ending, as many other cancer stories have.  The ending is awesome and can be summarized like this: survival and hope in something better, and more fulfilling.

Pray for peace, friends.
All will be well. 

Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

John 16:33
"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble, but take heart!  I have overcome the world."

The Summer of Poverty

Since my last post, I have been incredibly productive.  Just know that this will be elaborated on later in this post, so stay tuned.

When I made the decision to stay in Boone this summer, I was really not digging the idea.  I wanted to go back to Fishersville, or just be closer to where Kyle was.  I was hating on Boone so hard after the nasty winter we had.  I needed OFF this mountain.  Commuting one mile to work (walking) in -20 degrees with wind chill really put a nasty taste in my mouth.  Weird, huh?  With that being said, BOONE IS KILLING IT THIS SUMMER.  I am totally digging it.  The weather is beautiful, the days are long, I work minimally, and I can literally walk everywhere, with preparation for rain, of course (true Boone fashion).

The working minimally part is...rough.  These are the poorest times of my life that I can remember...except when I used to get down to the cent in my checking account when I was a seventeen year old with a debit card and a part time job.  Literally, lol.  I am working about 10 hours per week and I make just enough to pay my car insurance, my phone bill, put gas in my car, and attend $1.00 Taco Tuesday at Boone Saloon on Tuesdays.  Surprisingly, I am totally digging poverty right now.

I have found that most activities in life involve money and most of our daily activities involve money.  This is much more apparent when poor.  Capitalizing on things like Taco Tuesday is CRUCIAL for the social life.  The free time is flowing, which has been totally weird for me, and the money is just...not.  So, I have been doing so many fun things!

First, on Monday I got off work at 1:30 and came home to a whole free day to myself.  I vowed not to log hours upon hours on Netflix so, naturally, I headed to Goodwill (my boredom go-to).  The night before I had been dreaming of getting a screen door for my front door.  This little studio apartment gets stuffy, friends.  I looked on the Lowe's website only to find the cheapest door is like $38...aka way outside of this girl's budget.  I rolled up to Goodwill and headed straight to housewares and guys, I found the treasure of all treasures.  There, sitting among a pile of chairs, dressers, and old bed frames, was the treasure I had been dreaming of:  A brand new screen door with the price tag of $5.  I can swing $5.  PURCHASED.  Buying this screen door triggered an entire apartment renewal.  I tore this place apart.  I deep cleaned like I never had before and I decided to rearrange my furniture.  *Note: rearranging furniture for 5+ hours straight will lead to soreness.*  I am so into this new arrangement.  Because I am sure you are so intrigued to see my new layout, screen door and all, check it out:

I can also read and cook because I have TIME.  To do these things.  Tonight I made a sweet potato quesadilla with fresh spinach, tomato, and cilantro and lime black beans.  I was able to sit down and read my book, The Meaning of Marriage (by Tim Keller), with the windows open.  If you haven't read this book, read it.  Married or not, you will love it and it will likely benefit you in some way.   

I am just loving this time.  God has seriously blessed me with some down time, even if that does mean times are tight.  So worth it.  I was really feeling like my anxiety was starting to run my life.  Sometimes we just need a break.  Keeping up with my blog has been great.  I saw a cool quote tonight by Flannery O'Connor, "I write to discover what I know."  This is somewhat true for me.  It really helps me see in words what is on my heart.  We all need a break.  To all you busy people who think that a break seems unattainable, especially you moms, I encourage you to try the following:

  

Relaxation at it's finest.  Shaving your legs doesn't even suck when done in this fashion.  I have really had a heart for you mamas lately.  We all need time to breathe, but sometimes kiddos are resilient to grant that time.  Wine in the shower = instant cure.  Seriously.

Friends, I am hoping that you can find some rest and relaxation.  I am so thankful for this season, busy times are ahead, without a doubt.  Thesis + wedding planning...totally chill (not).  Capitalize on your "down" seasons and embrace the times when you're not as productive as you have been in previous times of your life.  After writing my last post, I had a talk with Kyle about how maybe I am being too hard on myself.  I need a task to complete and I always need to be working towards a goal.  It's in my nature and it isn't a bad thing, but times of rest are necessary.  I am so ready to embrace this time.

Here's to summer time, where the living's easy.
 
Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are wearied and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Magnificence in the Mundane

This morning started off with disappointment.

Since I arrived in Radford on Thursday evening, I have been looking forward to this morning.  I love Kyle's church so much.  The pastor is so transparent and real, the worship is solid and heartfelt, and I truly look forward to Sundays at Vally Bible.  We walked downtown around 10:45 to get to church by 11:00 and it dawned on me that the summer hours may be different.  Sure enough, we arrived at church to see that it had started at 10:00 and we had missed it.  About 2 hours ago, I was crushed.  I felt like the Griswold family when they arrive at Walley World only to find it closed.  I considered buying a pellet gun and threatening Bret to do it again...but I mean, come on.  That would be crazy.  

I walked home feeling dejected and mad.  I was mad I didn't double check on the time the night before.  I was being super melodramatic, but guys, this church is seriously awesome.  

Since then, my heart has changed to a heart of thankfulness.  Kyle pulled out his computer when we got home and found that this morning's sermon had already been posted.  He plugged his computer into the speakers and we opened our bibles and did church in true at-home-fashion.  

Bret spoke all about captivation and how we tend to not really see what is directly in front of us and all around us.  We become captivated by the immediate daily tasks around us and fixated by the little things that boost us and keep us going through the week.  Parents, this may be bedtime for the kids.  Students, this may be finally taking the exam you have been cramming for all week.  Working professionals (shout out to most of my friends), this may be finally having a day off and going out for drinks with some friends.  

We are fixated on these moments and tend to ignore the beauty in the immediate.    

David wrote Psalm 29 just to detail the power of God in 11 verses.  Just because.  How cool is that?  Do I notice God's glory all around me on a daily basis?  No.  He steers the storms and wields the winds and most of the time I'm oblivious.  I'm like, "Can this day just be over, puhleeeease."  I often lose sight of what is unfolding before me and I tend to take for granted what I have.  Why have I been given so much?  

I am so thankful.  Particularly, I am thankful for:

• A God who is personal.  He pursued me, little me, and He sent His son to save me.  He dwells with me, regardless of if I actually see what He is doing and He blesses me with peace.  Thank you.
• Kyle.  He challenges me and engages me to pursue what is on my heart.  I am thankful he initiated listening to this morning's sermon at home while I was feeling so down.  
• Kyle, again.  We do so many fun things and really take advantage of the time we have together.  He plays tennis with me, even when I beat him every time (he is a tough competitor, trust me.  He actually dives on the court and risks his health just to get the ball back).  I am thankful for that.  What a man.
• A mother who is pretty much planning my entire wedding and a father (and mother) who is paying for it.  Thank. Goodness.  They are seriously the bomb and I have nothing but love and gratefulness for these two people.   
• MY THESIS PROPOSAL IS COMPLETE.  #PTL.  If anyone is interested in water immersion skin wrinkling testing and how it may correlate with tilt-table testing and autonomic function, hit me up.  I'm here to talk. 

Work hard to find magnificence in the mundane.  Life is forever changing, but we are surrounded by beauty.  

Happy Sunday, friends.

xoxo