It's Been FOREVER

Back to the ol' blog.  It's been waaay too long.

Life is super busy these days.  We are only 70 days away from tying the knot (thank goodness), Kyle is student teaching 40 hours a week, and I am midway through my 3rd semester of graduate school (can this be over puh-leeeease?).

Though life may be crazy right now, Kyle and I are learning so much.  We are knee-deep in pre-marital counseling, and to be honest, we were kind of dreading it and what kind of skeletons from the past that it may bring up.  Wrong.  So wrong.  We are absolutely loving it.  We're doing Preparing for Marriage by Dennis Rainey with our pastor who will be marrying us.  I really was not prepared for how much Kyle and I would grow through this book, or how much we would learn about God's true desire for marriage.  My entire perspective has largely been changed.

First, I am finding myself in awe of the fact that God created marriage to reflect his deep, unconditional love for us.  Our marriages should be a reflection of this deep love....Um what.  It's like I knew this, but studying Genesis more and God's creation of man and woman has totally floored me.  It is helped me to accept Kyle when I'm annoyed, or when I desperately want to embrace my selfish desire to be angry about the things that I can't control.  My grace and love has to be deep for Kyle in the way that Jesus' is for me.  Keeping that perspective has been beautiful and Kyle and I have experienced immense spiritual growth from this outlook.  It isn't like loving each other is ever hard, but we know that in future days to come it likely will be at times.  Love is unconditional and it's forever.  We are so anxious to be rid of "goodbyes" and weekend visits.

Second, we have learned that marriage is not intended to be 50/50, it is a 100/100 policy.  50/50 implies that if Kyle does his part and I do mine, then we will meet each other halfway.  I am just realizing how destined this plan is for failure.  We are selfish people and this fails to account for the fact that many times Kyle and I will not do our part to bring each other halfway.  100/100 calls for me to unconditionally love Kyle, through the good and the bad, and to receive him with continual acceptance.  When I remember that he is God's provision for me, it makes it a lot easier for me to love him through the storms.

My desire is that we will continue to soak up everything that we are learning.  We are preparing for marriage in ways that I never though pre-marital counseling would prepare us.  I kind of just thought we'd check the box and then seal the deal with this "pre-requisite" behind us.  I mean, yesterday we did a 50 question discussion on our marriage expectations on everything from which family members we would buy christmas/birthday/anniversary gifts for and how much we would spend, to sex during menstrual cycle (too much? Sorry).  It was challenging, but having a vague idea about the things we haven't even thought twice about has been really fun and eye-opening.  Obviously we can't know the answer to most of the challenges that marriage holds for us, but we can attempt to have an idea of how we will tackle them when we get there.

We are anxious, and the closer we get to December 13th, the more anxious we become.  Goodbyes and "See ya next weekend," are getting harder.  Worry is starting to creep in.  We need prayer that Kyle can find a job here in Boone, because we will literally starve if he does not...hehe :)  No, but really.  My graduate assistantship will not cut it for the two of us.  Today we poured through job openings in the school systems and the application process will begin this week.  Prayers would be awesome.  We are reeeeally trying to trust in the fact that God has it covered.  He will provide as He sees fit.  This is super easy to say, but slightly harder to believe.  We have let ourselves become aware that our stress (and my incessant need to constantly stalk the Watauga job board) is due to the fact that we are not completely sure that God will provide.  Fear is starting to creep in, but I know there is no reason to panic...yet.  He has continually provided for me, and us, yet I am still so hesitant to trust Him at times.  My selfish desire for control and the need to know that my earthly future holds a job for Kyle, and eventually me, really takes control sometimes.  I am daily working on less of me and more of Him, but some days the struggle is more real than others.  This is one of those times.

Anyways, we seriously can't wait until 12/13/14.  Snow storm or not (hopefully not...please, please, please), we are tying the knot and doing this marriage thing.  God is preparing our hearts for the biggest commitment that we will ever make, and we are absolutely not taking it lightly.

My blog posts will likely not become more consistent from here on out, just to be honest.  We will see some of you in 70 days.  Even though I started counting down in April, we're on the home stretch, baby.  Let the real countdown begin!        

NOT According to Plan

This summer has been...strange, to say the very least.  The past 48 hours have been completely unanticipated and I have received such an immense amount of prayer and texts, so thank you.  You guys have so much love in your hearts and I am so thankful.  For all of you that I did not get to tell the full story to, here's my saga:

Kyle and I have been looking forward to the Liverpool game in Charlotte ALL SUMMER.  The tickets were a birthday gift from his parents.  I got up Saturday morning, the day of the game, and went to the gym with my trainer/friend.  We pushed it pretty hard that morning, and when I got home we were in a bit of a rush to head to Charlotte.  I did some protein with almond milk and that was about it.  We were meeting close, close friends for lunch who had just moved back to the east coast from Boulder, Colorado.  For lunch we ate homemade hummus with pita and fresh veggies.  I hadn't drank a lot of water because we were travelling and I didn't want to have to pee.  After lunch I was still hungry and thirsty, but I still didn't give my body what it really needed.  We drove into Charlotte to tailgate with friends before the game.  I was dehydrated and hungry, and the peanuts, chips and salsa, and couple of beers that I had probably didn't completely help the situation.  We were having a BLAST.  We hopped on a golf cart to take us to the stadium to catch the game.  Our seats were on the top level and we walked/danced/skipped up all five floors of the stadium.  When we got to the top, two of our friends needed to use the bathroom so Kyle and I stopped to wait.  I could see the field.  We were so excited.  Everything started to go black like it does when I stand up.  I usually just hold on to the counter top until it goes away, but I had nothing to grab.  I remember trying to reach for Kyle but he was just out of reach.

Then things went south.

I woke up to five million people around me talking loudly and holding me down, which about jolted me out of my skin.  I wanted to move, get up, and figure out where Kyle was.  The fireman who was holding me told me that I went down and he had done CPR on me because he couldn't feel a pulse.  He kept calling it cardiac arrest, but my doctors were skeptical.  I was transported immediately to Carolinas Medical Center.  Doctors did an EKG, blood work, brain CT, and chest x-ray.  All things checked out normal.  The fact that I couldn't remember this 240 pound man administering CPR was worrisome to the doctors, so they kept me overnight.  I had an echocardiogram the next morning, which also came back normal.  Crazy, crazy stuff.  I am home now (in VA) and have some upcoming appointments with a cardiologist and a neurologist.

First off, I am so incredibly blessed by the friendships and awesome relationships in my life.  Sam and Bruce stopped everything in the stadium, put their heads together and prayed for me.  I am so thankful for prayer.  Kyle has stayed by my side for the past 72 hours, diligently praying when I am fearful and helping me to stay positive.  Emily and Erik came to the hospital at 1:30 am and brought fresh clothes and food for Kyle and I.  They moved Kyle's car to the hospital and Em peeled off my skinny jeans that I had peed my pants in.  That. is. love.  Seriously.  Sam even gave me a foot massage after I had been wearing Toms all day long.  Serious love.  Additionally, my dad had just left Boone that morning and turned right around and met me and Kyle at the hospital in Charlotte at 4 am.  When I got home, my mom had bought me new pajamas, new underwear, everything that I would need to feel comfortable.  I came straight from Charlotte, so I have absolutely NOTHING.  Cassie straight up washed my hair when I couldn't raise my arms above my head in the shower.  Lena and Dave have made access to follow-up doctor appointments so much easier.  My dear friend, Laura, brought a bag full of clothes straight from her closet so that I would have something to wear, including 3 pairs of shoes, one of which being running shoes.  I love that girl.  She keeps me well dressed when times are tough.  Crystal, my trainer and dear friend, is sending me a modified light workout so that I can stay on my game and not lose all of my gains.  On top of all of this physical love, I have had so many texts and phone calls reminding me how much I am truly loved.  I am so thankful for all of you, truly.

Most of all, I am so thankful for God's sovereignty.  He continues to stand by my side, even when I don't want Him too.  I am thankful that he continually provides for me and gives me life.  I know that this heart is not my own, but sometimes I want it to be.  Even when I push Him away and neglect Him, He always pulls me back.  I am so thankful to serve a God like that.

Because I don't know exactly what happened to me, or if my heart actually did stop beating (docs don't think it did), I am just feeling so very fortunate.  My first thought was that I want to marry Kyle right this instant.  Humans are truly not very resilient beings.  We are fragile and our time here is so very short.  I really don't want to spend another second not being Kyle's wife.  Mom says I can't get married next weekend because she and Laura have already hand-stamped 200 burlap gift bags with "May 24th, 2015."  I see where she's coming from :)

I truly need prayer for fearfulness.  I am afraid that it will happen again and I know God doesn't want me to live a life of fear.  I need to feel peace and to 100% lean on Him and pull from His strength.  My favorite scripture ever is Psalm 91.  I am clinging to this today.

Psalm 91

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him

    and show him my salvation.”

There is so much peace in this passage.  Living in fear is pointless, though easier said than done.  I am so thankful for all of you.  I hope this post finds you all healthy and well.  Give a hug to those you love and give thanks for life and peace.

I love you guys.

Jamie

The Power of the Playlist

This summer has been awesome.  I have enjoyed every part of it, but today exceeded the awesome level.  Prepare for an incredibly happy post.

One of my dearest friends is spending the summer in Montreat.  Conflicting schedules and sucky cell phone service have kept us mostly out of touch for the past two months, minus some texting back and forth.  I did some research and discovered a little place called Spruce Pine, about 35 miles outside of Boone and 45 miles outside of Montreat...AKA the perfect halfway point for us to meet up.  We picked a little place called The Tropical Grill.  My expectations for some tiny caribbean restaurant located in Spruce Pine, North Carolina were low, to say the very least.  Man...I was So. Wrong.  If you live in Boone, you totally need to take a little trip to downtown Spruce Pine.  It was amazing and absolutely overflowing with local character!  I will likely be back this weekend.  Much exploring needs to be done.  

Cafe de leche, mango salsa, a killer outdoor seating area, and Caroline made for a totally awesome night of reunion.  

My drive home was equally epic.  Kyle has always told me that I am super empathetic about song lyrics.  Some people like to read really sad books and cry about them, I like to listen to music lyrics and pretend I wrote them and sometimes cry about it.  Just kidding.  I don't always cry, but it absolutely dictates my feelings if I'm alone and completely focused on the music...that's why I'm the playlist queen.  I have roughly 315 playlists on my Google Music account and things are about to get real.  The playlist is a very powerful tool and should be chosen very wisely.  Check it out:

Before I left Spruce Pine, I chose my "Summer Tiiiiiiime" playlist.  Seemed appropriate, right?  The sun was just starting to set and lighting was getting to that pinkish-yellow point.  I put my windows down and Desert Father carried me down 194.  This song is beautiful and you absolutely must listen, because Josh Garrels is actually the jam.  Not kidding.  The High Country is absolutely beautiful.  The combination of this song and the sunset just made me smile and thank God for life.  I am so fortunate to live here, surrounded by beauty and endless places to just go.  Boone is truly the melting pot of so many breathtaking surrounding towns.  I am clearly singing a different tune than I was this past winter.  I even think I could live here.  Who am I?

As I was thinking about how grateful I am for life, Usher was killing it with his rendition of You'll Be In My Heart.  Guys...this is a beautiful, beautiful song.  I started thinking about how easy it is to walk with Jesus when everything is going well...when things get hard I tend to want to fix them myself and I tend to block out my one true provider.  I was thinking about how I almost always think I have cancer, or some other disease, and how I was just so incredibly thankful for that very moment, no matter what.  My prayer is that no matter what, I will always be thankful and recognize that my plan may not always be the right one.

If you know me, you know that Christina Aguilera is one of my favorite people on this earth.  I pre-ordered her last album (Lotus)...which came out in 2012 so...still in that stage of my life.  One of her most beautiful songs, in my opinion, is Bound to You, which she sang in Burlesque (awesome movie, by the way).  I always tell Kyle this is my brain aneurysm song.  I will belt this song, and I mean belt.  I literally feels like I am going to burst into a million pieces when I sing this song...you should totally try it.  Totally liberating experience.

Just as I was making my left onto 105 with 13 miles separating me from Boone, Shake Me Like a Monkey came on.  Ahhhhhh....this song.  Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds live at Las Vegas, too good.  I thought about my dear friend, Martha, and the Dave shows we've been to.  I remembered the first time I heard him perform this song live in Virginia Beach and I thought about how careless we use to be.  Martha and I have shared many good times and now hold many memories thanks to ol' Dave.  Now we have such different lives, and that's okay.  Life goes that way and you work a little harder to make new memories.  I'm excited for new memories and future Dave shows to come.

Once I got closer to Boone and was passing through the Foscoe area, it was pretty much completely dark.  A tiny gas station was lit up from the glow of a singular lamp post and I saw a parked pick-up truck.  A couple was sitting in the bed with their legs dangling over the tailgate.  Sara Evans, and myself, were belting out Slow Me Down  and I felt a pang of grief in my stomach for that couple.  Slow Me Down is one of those songs that I have literally cried to.  I was thinking about why they were sitting in that parking lot and why they appeared to be having a very serious conversation.  I imagined that they were having one of those awful talks that can define the new precinct of the relationship.  It can make you or break you, but most of the time it breaks you.  I imagined all of those awful times where my heart was broken into a million pieces and I was sad for them, but grateful that I have moved past the boundaries of being "unsure" of my relationships.  Then I decided that maybe they were just having really awesome conversation and wanted to stay parked in that parking lot.  I thought about how I would never do that because I would be "recreating" or caught loitering.  Then I was jealous that they probably weren't worried about what anyone was thinking about them sitting in that parking lot all alone under that street lamp. 

My strange day dream about the mysterious parking lot couple disappeared when Angus and Julia Stone took it away with The Devil's Tears.  This song has a special place in my heart.  This is one of the first songs that came on my Iron and Wine Pandora station that I noticed was a song that Kyle frequently played on his guitar.  It's one of my favorites that he plays.  When I miss him the most, I lay down, put my head phones in, close my eyes and let this song flood my ears.  It sounds just the same as when he's here, but not quite as awesome.  This song always takes me to instahappy and instafeels.  

Just as I hit Boone, my ultimate Boone jam flooded my speakers: Hanging On.  Ellie Goulding.  My girl.  I decided long ago that this is easily one of her most beautiful, thought provoking songs.  Ellie Goulding has a way of making me feel incredibly hype-happy and then sad-strange at the same time, kind of like the Weeknd, but this song especially.  It's so epic.  The build-up is out of this world and I tend to think about it in the same way I think about the lyrics, naturally.  I think sometimes it's easier to keep the waters calm in relationships, even when we don't want to.  Once the build-up happens it leads to an explosion.  Truly unhealthy, but I think it's an amazing artistic touch that this song is able to portray that so well.

Anyways, if you're into music, maybe I have enlightened you in some way.  It was just one of those nights where I just felt like I needed to write about it.  I'm feeling incredibly thankful and I hope this post finds you the same way.  

It's the little things, like the power of the playlist. 

Happy summer, friends.  Enjoy it and don't let it get away from you.

     

Call it Propaganda...

Controversial content ahead.  Please, keep reading :)

Readers, for those of you who personally know me, you know that our country's food production system is one of my favorite, most passionate topics to discuss.  When I first became a vegetarian, and then vegan my sophomore year of college, I didn't consider myself an animal right's activist.  I chose to eat the way I did because it was more sustainable and healthier for our planet than choosing to consume animal meats, which takes roughly 13 pounds of grain to get 1 pound of animal meat to your table.

I recently saw this video and if you have 6 minutes, which if you're reading this then I know that you do, please watch this short clip:

Maybe you can watch this and it doesn't change your mind about the production of meat at all.  If that is the case, I want to ask you how?  Maybe you think this is propaganda, as many choose to take this stance when videos or books come out regarding animal slaughter, but how long can we keep turning our cheek the other way and calling it that?  I am aware that PETA sells the propaganda pretty hard, but do your own research friends.  I truly feel that this is more serious than we want to think, I mean come on, I'm writing a blog post about it (joke), but seriously.

Here's how I see it... Lemme break it down.

We, as a nation, have very little regard about where the foods come from that we stock our fridges with, feed our children, purchase at restaurants, and put into our own mouths.  We just don't care.  We've created this complete dissociation with the foods we eat, especially our animal products, and where they actually came from.  We're detached and emotionally uninvested in the nourishment of our bodies.

Allow me to further elaborate on this idea of dissociation with our foods.  Classic example:

Many people watched Black Fish and signed Sea World petitions and straight up mourned with these whales.  I'm not attacking you, I was one of them.  But there has to be that connection to the rest of our systems, especially the meat production system.  We can cry, and cry, and cry as we hate on Sea World and how they contain these killer whales in these tanks that are comparable to the size of a bath tub for a fish of that size, but yet, we don't connect the dots.  You can probably pay something like 99 cents to get some chicken from McDonald's that was never granted the liberty to stand on it's own two feet due to growth hormone injection and rapid increases in muscle size.  Thanks to growth hormone, we can produce full size chickens in somewhere around 25 days so that we can keep feeding our hungry, hungry, underweight country (lol -_-).  McDonald's can't sell their food that cheap for no reason, my friends.

Further, our country is quite frankly facing a healthcare crisis.  Our demand and need for healthcare is so dang high, but yet we care very little for our bodies.  It's too much work.  It's expensive.  We're very uneducated.  I mean, really.  Care and know what you are putting into your mouth.  If it has more than 5 ingredients and you can't pronounce most of the words, I'd probably put it down.  Help your body, friends.  I don't care how old you are, the decisions you make now will absolutely effect your future health. 

I truly feel like there is a solution in making our food production and purchasing system more localized.  This would solve environmental issues by creating a more sustainable way to purchase the foods we want, as well as helping to boost the local economy.

I understand that local, humanely raised, hormone-free meats are expensive, and that's why many people don't buy them, myself included.  Because I can't afford those types of meats is why I choose to continue eating a plant-based diet.  I don't think I want to raise our children vegetarian, nor do I want to remain completely vegetarian, but I just can't afford to buy the kind of meats that I am willing to put in my body, or the bodies of my future children.

I really hope this impacts you in some way.  I want to challenge you to take one day a week, maybe Meatless Monday, to not eat animal meat.  It's so incredibly easy.  And please, friends, don't eat fast food.  It's not food.  I don't consider myself to be a judgmental vegetarian by any means, I just want our country to stop giving into this demand for these quick, chemically enhanced solutions that has been labeled as "food."  Work a little harder and spend a little more money on the right foods.  Better yet, start your own garden or support the local farmer's market.  If you have the means for it, raise and butcher your own meat.  Use your noggins, you smart, able people, you.

*Stepping down from my soapbox now.*

Thanks for reading, friends.  I hope this blog post finds you healthy and well.  If you're interested in reading an awesome book about both sides of animal consumption, check out Jon Safran Foer's Eating Animals.  You can buy it here, or you can borrow my copy.

"Let food by thy medicine, and medicine thy food." 
                                                                                                                             -Hippocrates  

My Take on Marriage

Netflix and I are really in a strange stage of our relationship right now.

I am a tv person.  I have watched pretty much every season of every show worth watching on Netflix...seriously.  I have actually watched all seven seasons of Desperate Housewives three times.  No shame.  I am so not a movie person, but I have been doing this weird thing where I am watching movies instead of tv.  Kyle barely recognizes me.  It's crazy.

Over the past three days I have watched the following: 

I Give it a Year
The Lifeguard
Friends with Kids
Drinking Buddies

Pretty impressive, I know.  I'm really not picky about tv or movies at all.  I can pretty much invest in whatever, but ideally, I dig a good dramatic, rom com.  All of the above movies fit this criteria because Netflix knows me better than most people and told me that I would like these movies.

I seriously enjoyed watching these films, and I can remember the plot of almost all of them, which is crazy because I can forget the title of a movie I watched 10 minutes ago...so weird.  But, every single one of these movies left me feeling strange...and kinda sad.  Keep in mind I don't sit and watch tv all day, I swear.  I do things like, go to Taco Tuesday at Boone Saloon, power walk 13 minute miles with my friend Amber, cook, read, you know, other things.  I know the reading part is what caused me feeling weird about these movies.

As I have mentioned before, I am currently reading Tim Keller's book, The Meaning of Marriage.  I said it once and I will say it again, READ THIS BOOK.  Single, engaged, divorced, married, whatever.  Read it.  I recognize that I am a 23-year-old that has not been married, though will be soon (yay!), but I think I have some insight on the subject.  Stick with me.

First, I have a serious problem with the way Hollywood portrays love, kids, and especially marriage.  Every single one of the above movies portrayed marriage as lacking excitement or being boring, not to mention when kids are added into the mix it's game over.  You can kiss all romance and fun goodbye.  This sucks.  I won't lie, watching these movies scared me about kids slightly.  I'm no dummy.  I know kids are tough and life changes drastically, but let's be honest.  Kids were not designed to be destructive to marriage.  They just weren't!  That makes no sense!  Such a beautiful, intense, biologically perfect process of creating a tiny human being that is the perfect combination of both you and your spouse should cause our marriages to grow.  So why doesn't it?  Why does Hollywood have the idea that marriages are not forever and that kids complicate things? 

I think we have become a selfish people.  We are looking to our spouse for ultimate completion and happiness.  I mean that's just insane.  It is impossible to get that kind of return from your spouse.  Impossible.  I truly believe that.  Those who aren't yet married, or are looking to get out of their marriages, have incredibly high hopes of that perfect chemistry, or the ultimate soul mate.  Maybe it was once there, and now it's not.  I think we have incredibly high expectations for finding someone who will take us just as we are and there are no demands for us to change.  We don't want to make sacrifices.  That's just how it is.  It's selfish.  We want everything from a spouse, while wanting to put very little effort into making changes to ourselves.  It just can't work.

Check it out:

Ephesians 5:21-33

²¹ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

People get BENT OUT OF SHAPE, and I mean BENT, at the word, "submit."  But wait!  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.  Whoa.  As Christ loved the church?  That's so much love, friends.  That's so much selflessness.  I think some of our marriages today are lacking this idea of selflessness.  Marriage was designed to be the perfect reflection of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us.  He died for us.  Marriage is a natural thing for humans to be drawn to.  We want a partner to do life with, to have children with, to help bear the burden when times are tough.  Times will be tough.  Guaranteed.  It is work.  It is a full time job that requires maintenance and upkeep.  If you neglect putting gas in your car, it's not going to run.  Duh.  Sacrificing our wants and needs for our spouse is what we're called to do.  I mean, really.

Tim Keller gives a great example in his book that I can totally relate to, and maybe you can too.

Tim and his wife go on vacation with their tiny kids to the town where they both attended seminary.  Tim had really been hoping that he would be able to sneak away for a few hours to go to a bookstore he really loved and get some new books.  He knew it would be inconvenient to his wife, so he never mentioned it, though he hoped that she would say, "Hey honey, I know you love that bookstore.  Why don't you go check it out and I can handle things here with the kids."  That never happened and Tim silently stewed and developed bitterness towards his wife.  He had decided in his head that she knew that he wanted to go to that bookstore, but was just being spiteful and wouldn't let him go.  At the end of the day, Tim mentioned how much he would have liked to go to that bookstore.  His wife replied by telling him he should have spoken up.  He serves her on a daily basis by helping around the house and helping with the kids and she doesn't get a ton of opportunities to serve him.  She felt like he robbed her of the ability to give her a chance to serve her husband.

What a tiny, tiny, small, miniscule, situation this is, but holy cow I can so relate.  Sometimes I just want Kyle to read my mind.  That's just not fair.  I have failed with the selfless card multiple times the past couple of weeks in our relationship.  I was upset when Kyle told me he got a job in Staunton this summer.  Seriously, Jamie?  We have been praying, and praying, and praying for God to provide a job for Kyle this summer and he got one!  Thank goodness.  He was so excited to tell me and I responded with sadness.  I actually cried and it broke Kyle's heart.  I mean that seriously sucked.  I could have handled that situation 3,000 times better than I did.  Fail.  Second, Kyle was going to come visit me in Boone this weekend.  His car broke down on the way  and he was super bummed and I was annoyed that I had to drive to Radford.  I mean...really?

Thankfully, Kyle and I both have apologetic hearts.  I just tend to be the one that is more vocal about exactly what I feel before I think about the repercussions that it might have on Kyle's feelings.  I recognize that I can only have a selflessness attitude in our relationship with the help of Jesus.  He paid the ultimate price for me, and I can give a lot in my relationship with Kyle.  I have nothing but room to give, that just isn't the choice I always make.

I'm excited for marriage.  I really can't wait.  I know there will be highs and lows, but I also know that growth comes from trying times.  I can vouch for that.  A lifetime is a long time, but I seriously can't wait to do life with him.

Thanks for sticking with me.  Maybe you think I'm naive.  I think I have one of the best partners to do life with and he is totally my person.  Marriage is such a blessing.  I don't know why Hollywood has decided to portray marriage in this light, but it must be a result of what we are doing as a whole.

It's gotta change.

We're not perfect, obviously.  I think sometimes my readers think that I'm too hard on myself.  I provide my own personal experiences in hopes that you can relate.  Life is tough, but you learn and trust that God has prepared you for the very season you are in right this second.  Many of my readers are infinitely more seasoned than me to the trials of life.  So much respect for all of you.   

Thanks for reading, friends.  You guys rock. 

A Story of Survival

As another anniversary approaches and marks another year of my mom's survival of breast cancer, I can't help but be reminded of those memories.

When I started having extreme issues with anxiety when I moved to Boone, my doctor told me that he thinks that I am experiencing some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder related to my mom's past breast cancer.  My anxiety is always triggered by stress, and then evolves into extreme hypochondria.  When he proposed this theory to me I was like, "No.  You're crazy.  Take my blood, hook me up to an EKG, I am dying, seriously."  After I have been told time and time again that I am perfectly fine, I have begun to think more about this idea of "PTSD" caused by the trauma that hit our family in 2009.

If you don't know, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009, just as I was headed into my first year of college at JMU.  I remember coming home and my mom and dad sitting on the front porch.  My dad had his arm around her and I remember thinking how cute they looked.  I parked my car and started walking towards the garage and I found my grandma in there waiting.  She was crying and it hit me like a blow to the stomach when she told me my mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I was 18 years old when she told me that news.  If you have ever played Call of Duty, there have been two times in my life where I have felt like a flash grenade just went off in my face.  This was one of those times.  I remember everything just stopped during those brief seconds.  My sister had just turned 12 and I remember one of my first thoughts being, "I have to get to Cassie."  I've never told her this, but that was the first time I realized how deep my love was, and is, for my sister.  I could barely process the news myself that I just couldn't even grasp what a 12 year old child would be feeling.  Not to mention my dad, or my mom.  Geesh.  I remember feeling nothing as I responded with silence to the news.  I walked up the stairs, slowly closed my bedroom door, sat on my bed, cried, and then I wrote.  I wrote almost every single day as my mom was going through blood draws, bone scans, doctors appointments, and surgery after surgery, after surgery.  I look back at my writing and I was so angry, so incredibly angry.  I am sad for that 18 year old girl when I read those words.  Words of anger and hatred and crying out to God, "Why?  Why this?  Why my family."  I pleaded with Him to protect my mom and keep my family safe during those times.

To be honest, I have blocked out many of the memories of that year.  Some of the memories are engrained in my brain for life, but mostly I coped by forgetting.  My strongest memories are of when I was told the news, and how I remember my mom laying in that hospital bed at Martha Jefferson Hospital after her double mastectomy.  That was hard, so hard, and that memory is one of the strongest memories I have, but it doesn't hold a candle to the new memories we have.

I was so fearful during that time.  I look at myself now and I am still fearful.  I fear for myself and if I one day will face the challenges that come along with cancer, as many people will.  I realize that I never had to be worried about my mom, and I don't need to be worried now.  My mom was so spiritually strong going into breast cancer, and it only made her tougher.  Throughout it all, my mom kept her hope entirely in Christ.  What else can we do?  No doctor, no family member, no material possession, will ever provide the kind of hope and peace that can be found in Jesus.  I realize that now.  I had turned away from the Lord during that time period.  I was mad, I was doing stupid "teenager" stuff and I was starting to lead a life that didn't care about glorifying God.  I just...didn't.  I I never thought I would be sitting here, at 23 years old, (I think I'm 23?  Sometimes I can't remember if I'm 23 or 24...seriously) first off, writing a blog post, second off, writing a blog post with this subject matter.   

This is all to say that I am feeling incredibly thankful.  We are really blessed to have such great access to healthcare in the US.  Every day researchers are working to know more about cancer and how to treat it.  I am so thankful for that.  I know many of you reading this may be struggling with a loved one who has been diagnosed with cancer.  Fear is not the answer.  I am praying for peace for all of you, because ultimately that will bring rest about the situation.  Our doctors work hard, and every day people are living longer and beating this horrible disease.  Nothing but a thankful heart for that.

Second, I am also thankful to be in a different walk of life.  My faith has matured and I have come a long way since I was that 18 year old girl, shaking her fists at God.  I know God's will may not always be the same as my will, but I know that He will always take care of me and He will never forsake me.  There is no peace like the peace that can be found in Him.

There's no better, or easier way to say it, but cancer is a bitch.  You may be feeling angry and I might have just taken the words right out of your mouth.  It comes in like a tornado and turns all of our lives upside down.  But, it is temporary, Lord willing.  If there is one thing I have learned, it's that life is not always smooth roads and easy sailing.  There are storms, and there are curve balls, and that is just the way it is.  Leave the fear behind, and give it to God.  It will be the best decision you ever made.  Truly trusting it's in His hands makes the burden so much lighter.  Survival makes you tough and makes life that much sweeter.

I love you guys.  This was a tough post to write, but it's been on my mind.  On July 23rd of this year, my mom will celebrate 5 years of being cancer-free, praise God.  Keep in mind this was a happy story with a great ending, as many other cancer stories have.  The ending is awesome and can be summarized like this: survival and hope in something better, and more fulfilling.

Pray for peace, friends.
All will be well. 

Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

John 16:33
"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble, but take heart!  I have overcome the world."

The Summer of Poverty

Since my last post, I have been incredibly productive.  Just know that this will be elaborated on later in this post, so stay tuned.

When I made the decision to stay in Boone this summer, I was really not digging the idea.  I wanted to go back to Fishersville, or just be closer to where Kyle was.  I was hating on Boone so hard after the nasty winter we had.  I needed OFF this mountain.  Commuting one mile to work (walking) in -20 degrees with wind chill really put a nasty taste in my mouth.  Weird, huh?  With that being said, BOONE IS KILLING IT THIS SUMMER.  I am totally digging it.  The weather is beautiful, the days are long, I work minimally, and I can literally walk everywhere, with preparation for rain, of course (true Boone fashion).

The working minimally part is...rough.  These are the poorest times of my life that I can remember...except when I used to get down to the cent in my checking account when I was a seventeen year old with a debit card and a part time job.  Literally, lol.  I am working about 10 hours per week and I make just enough to pay my car insurance, my phone bill, put gas in my car, and attend $1.00 Taco Tuesday at Boone Saloon on Tuesdays.  Surprisingly, I am totally digging poverty right now.

I have found that most activities in life involve money and most of our daily activities involve money.  This is much more apparent when poor.  Capitalizing on things like Taco Tuesday is CRUCIAL for the social life.  The free time is flowing, which has been totally weird for me, and the money is just...not.  So, I have been doing so many fun things!

First, on Monday I got off work at 1:30 and came home to a whole free day to myself.  I vowed not to log hours upon hours on Netflix so, naturally, I headed to Goodwill (my boredom go-to).  The night before I had been dreaming of getting a screen door for my front door.  This little studio apartment gets stuffy, friends.  I looked on the Lowe's website only to find the cheapest door is like $38...aka way outside of this girl's budget.  I rolled up to Goodwill and headed straight to housewares and guys, I found the treasure of all treasures.  There, sitting among a pile of chairs, dressers, and old bed frames, was the treasure I had been dreaming of:  A brand new screen door with the price tag of $5.  I can swing $5.  PURCHASED.  Buying this screen door triggered an entire apartment renewal.  I tore this place apart.  I deep cleaned like I never had before and I decided to rearrange my furniture.  *Note: rearranging furniture for 5+ hours straight will lead to soreness.*  I am so into this new arrangement.  Because I am sure you are so intrigued to see my new layout, screen door and all, check it out:

I can also read and cook because I have TIME.  To do these things.  Tonight I made a sweet potato quesadilla with fresh spinach, tomato, and cilantro and lime black beans.  I was able to sit down and read my book, The Meaning of Marriage (by Tim Keller), with the windows open.  If you haven't read this book, read it.  Married or not, you will love it and it will likely benefit you in some way.   

I am just loving this time.  God has seriously blessed me with some down time, even if that does mean times are tight.  So worth it.  I was really feeling like my anxiety was starting to run my life.  Sometimes we just need a break.  Keeping up with my blog has been great.  I saw a cool quote tonight by Flannery O'Connor, "I write to discover what I know."  This is somewhat true for me.  It really helps me see in words what is on my heart.  We all need a break.  To all you busy people who think that a break seems unattainable, especially you moms, I encourage you to try the following:

  

Relaxation at it's finest.  Shaving your legs doesn't even suck when done in this fashion.  I have really had a heart for you mamas lately.  We all need time to breathe, but sometimes kiddos are resilient to grant that time.  Wine in the shower = instant cure.  Seriously.

Friends, I am hoping that you can find some rest and relaxation.  I am so thankful for this season, busy times are ahead, without a doubt.  Thesis + wedding planning...totally chill (not).  Capitalize on your "down" seasons and embrace the times when you're not as productive as you have been in previous times of your life.  After writing my last post, I had a talk with Kyle about how maybe I am being too hard on myself.  I need a task to complete and I always need to be working towards a goal.  It's in my nature and it isn't a bad thing, but times of rest are necessary.  I am so ready to embrace this time.

Here's to summer time, where the living's easy.
 
Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are wearied and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Magnificence in the Mundane

This morning started off with disappointment.

Since I arrived in Radford on Thursday evening, I have been looking forward to this morning.  I love Kyle's church so much.  The pastor is so transparent and real, the worship is solid and heartfelt, and I truly look forward to Sundays at Vally Bible.  We walked downtown around 10:45 to get to church by 11:00 and it dawned on me that the summer hours may be different.  Sure enough, we arrived at church to see that it had started at 10:00 and we had missed it.  About 2 hours ago, I was crushed.  I felt like the Griswold family when they arrive at Walley World only to find it closed.  I considered buying a pellet gun and threatening Bret to do it again...but I mean, come on.  That would be crazy.  

I walked home feeling dejected and mad.  I was mad I didn't double check on the time the night before.  I was being super melodramatic, but guys, this church is seriously awesome.  

Since then, my heart has changed to a heart of thankfulness.  Kyle pulled out his computer when we got home and found that this morning's sermon had already been posted.  He plugged his computer into the speakers and we opened our bibles and did church in true at-home-fashion.  

Bret spoke all about captivation and how we tend to not really see what is directly in front of us and all around us.  We become captivated by the immediate daily tasks around us and fixated by the little things that boost us and keep us going through the week.  Parents, this may be bedtime for the kids.  Students, this may be finally taking the exam you have been cramming for all week.  Working professionals (shout out to most of my friends), this may be finally having a day off and going out for drinks with some friends.  

We are fixated on these moments and tend to ignore the beauty in the immediate.    

David wrote Psalm 29 just to detail the power of God in 11 verses.  Just because.  How cool is that?  Do I notice God's glory all around me on a daily basis?  No.  He steers the storms and wields the winds and most of the time I'm oblivious.  I'm like, "Can this day just be over, puhleeeease."  I often lose sight of what is unfolding before me and I tend to take for granted what I have.  Why have I been given so much?  

I am so thankful.  Particularly, I am thankful for:

• A God who is personal.  He pursued me, little me, and He sent His son to save me.  He dwells with me, regardless of if I actually see what He is doing and He blesses me with peace.  Thank you.
• Kyle.  He challenges me and engages me to pursue what is on my heart.  I am thankful he initiated listening to this morning's sermon at home while I was feeling so down.  
• Kyle, again.  We do so many fun things and really take advantage of the time we have together.  He plays tennis with me, even when I beat him every time (he is a tough competitor, trust me.  He actually dives on the court and risks his health just to get the ball back).  I am thankful for that.  What a man.
• A mother who is pretty much planning my entire wedding and a father (and mother) who is paying for it.  Thank. Goodness.  They are seriously the bomb and I have nothing but love and gratefulness for these two people.   
• MY THESIS PROPOSAL IS COMPLETE.  #PTL.  If anyone is interested in water immersion skin wrinkling testing and how it may correlate with tilt-table testing and autonomic function, hit me up.  I'm here to talk. 

Work hard to find magnificence in the mundane.  Life is forever changing, but we are surrounded by beauty.  

Happy Sunday, friends.

xoxo

Laziness

SUMMER IS FINALLY HERE!!!!!

With that being said, I feel like I have a lot of expectations for myself this summer.  I don't have school (sorta), I'm only working 15 hours a week, and....yeah.  That's about it.  I got to spend some time at home in VA for about 20 days, which was awesome.  I was pretty lazy.  Laid around my house, drank some craft beer, and hung out with the family and future hubs.  I told Kyle that when I got back to Boone I was going to do more things, like:

• Use my awesome new bread maker
• Make more homemade things (like food)
• Paint/journal more
• Keep up with my blog
• Deep clean my house
• Be crafty
• Visit friends and family
• Go on more weekend trips
• Read more books

So...Day 2 in Boone and SHOCKER, I'm blogging.  It feels like the most productive thing I've done, but maybe that's because I have a thesis proposal due date looming over my head.  Pfft...It's summer.  I'll do it tomorrow...or the day after that.  

Many of you moms, or other people who read my blog, are going to laugh at what I'm about to say:  I feel like I lead a super busy life during the school year and I am really thankful for this time to sit around and do nothing.  I mean really.  Now that I am working and doing grad school, Monday through Friday I am gone from 7 am to 6 pm.  WAHHHHHH feel bad for me!  Sometimes when I am walking home from school after a long day I think about what it would be like if I were going home to a family that I had to feed and take care of.  I honestly don't know how moms do it.  *Shout out to you people, you rock.*  Anyways, during those busy times I miss doing the things I love, like painting, writing, reading, or doing whatever the heck I want.  At the end of the day it's usually just easier to get on my computer and waste some time before bed.

Well, this summer I WILL NOT STAND FOR THAT.  I have vowed to not let my computer dictate my free time.  Blog, hold me accountable puh-lease.  I have spent a lot of time talking with Kyle, friends, and family about how we end up leading lives we don't really want to lead.  We work 60 hour work weeks to make a bunch of money and come home to our loved ones exhausted.  Life is so incredibly short and I have such a hard time seeing that role for myself.  I think about how much I love Kyle and how much I will one day love our future kids and I don't want to be tired and cranky when I get home from work every day.  I don't know...I really struggle with this Americanized work and family relationship that has become the norm for so many of us.  Call me a crazy idealist, but I just can't get over it.  It seems so dumb. 

I went on a walk with a friend this weekend who really inspired me.  I always love catching up with her, as we have really developed some of the same interests over the past year.  She has such a desire to be a minimalist, to love, and to share the gospel.  How cool is that?!  What if we all desired those things?  I really find myself slipping into a cycle of laziness and with it I stress about the future and where Kyle and I will work and how we will afford to live.  I don't want to let laziness and worldly ideals run my life.  

So pretty much I have determined that that's what it all comes down to:

Laziness.

I chose to lay in my bed on my computer for countless hours watching Netflix, stalking places I may one day want to go, or craigslist apartments that I will never rent, but still like to look at it.  It's so easy to sit behind my computer and pass the time.  I mean it really involves zero work or thought process.  I'm pretty into that, but I want to be less into that.  I scroll through instagram and look at the hard work some of my friends put into making their meals every single day, and I'm like, "Shoot, I'm going to Chipotle."  That part I can be okay with.  I truly find absolute zero joy in cooking, unless I'm cooking with someone, but props to you people that are into it.  Laziness is killing my creative drive.  I need to be writing more, I need to read, and I need to paint.  These things keep my mind fresh, and I need that.  It all just seems like so much work right now and I am lacking motivation.  Getting all my paints out means cleaning all my paints up.  Making homemade hummus means a butt ton of dishes that I will have to wash afterwards.  *Jesus, I pray that our future home has a dishwasher.  Amen.*

If you've stuck with me this long, thank you.  Maybe you're feeling the same.  I feel like laziness and the struggle with screen time is pretty real for my generation.  I don't think it's crazy, but I do think it takes some will power from me to get up and go do it, rather than thinking about doing it.

Here's to summer time, folks.  Let's tear it up and live it out for all it's worth.
Keep me motivated, friends!  Expect some productive posts in the near future.

Now get off the computer and go hang out with your people.

I Could Play the Background

It's been a long time!  So much is happening in my life that it has been hard to take time to just sit down and write. 

So...first off, I'M ENGAGED!!  What?!  Two Fridays ago Kyle took me into Floyd to go to one of our favorite restaurants, Dogtown Roadhouse.  We had a 60 minute and a veggie pizza and it was every bit as lovely as it sounds.  Kyle was pretty adamant about catching the sunset up on the parkway after we finished dinner.  He popped the question here: 

 

And I obviously said yes and he gave me this beautiful ring:

 

 

God has blessed me immeasurably.  Kyle Inlow has been the biggest blessing to my life and he is truly a daily reminder of how deep the father's love for me is.  April 14, 2014 was one of the greatest days of my life and I cannot wait to tie the knot with this man.  I wouldn't want to do life with any other person.

On a different, but similar note, on my way down to Radford that weekend I was blasting some Lecrae and some of his lyrics hit me pretty hard.  At the time, I didn't realize how incredibly applicable they were going to be to my life until recently.  

Amidst the hectic-ness of grad school, work, and planning a wedding, my thoughts have been incredibly crowded.  I feel like my brain hasn't had time to rest and I'm spinning in this tornado of plans.  Plans, plans, plans.  I'm type A and I am all about some plans, but I absolutely recognize my need to let go of control.  This has been a common discussion between Kyle and I recently.  I am desperate to be more laid back and to just loosen up the reins. 

I caught myself doing the dishes the other day and going through this series of thoughts:

Where are Kyle and I going to live?

What am I going to do? 

What is he going to do? 

How are we going to get all of our stuff to wherever we move?

If we make this much money we can pay this, this, and this, and have...$0 left over.

How am I going to write a thesis, defend my thesis, and get married one month later?

How am I going to help my mom plan a wedding during my second year of grad school?!

Do I really want to get a PhD?!

*Relax.  "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" (Matt. 6:27)*

I have to tell myself this constantly and it gets easier.  I can let go.  It isn't up to me to decide.  Whatever my plans may be may not necessarily be what God has in store for Kyle and I.  That is okay.  

The lyrics that were playing on my way to Radford that weekend were from the song Background.  I am so into planning every move that I could possibly make so that I am never surprised and always prepared.  This song has become my daily prayer, these words in particular:

I know I'm safest when I'm in Your will, and trust Your Word
I know I'm dangerous when I trust myself, my vision blurred
And I ain't got no time to play life's foolish games
Got plenty aims, but do they really glorify Your name?
And it's a shame, the way I want to do these things for You, yet
Don't even cling to you, take time to sit and glean from You
Seems You were patient in my ignorance...

I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

Here's to learning to play the background.  There are nothing but exciting times ahead.  His plan is infinitely greater than anything that I could ever conjure up and that is all the peace I need.  

Happy Good Friday, friends.   

  

Drowning

It feels like I haven't written in forever.  My life in Boone has gotten significantly more chaotic in the past month.  I began working as a graduate assistant this semester with the Learning Assistance Program, specifically with Academic Services for Athletes.  I lead study halls 15 hours a week and work with athletes to help them maintain their grades (and eligibility), work on homework, and plan projected weekly schedules.  Additionally, I am taking 10 credit hours, training for a 10-miler at the end of the March, and trying to maintain some sort of social life.  It has been challenging, but I am thankful for less idle time. 

Guys.  I have been seriously struggling.  My life significantly changed when I moved to Boone.  While I liiiike living in Boone, I miss Kyle, my family, and my friends on a daily basis.  As you know, I was teetering on the borders of depression when I first made this move and was struggling with feelings of intense loneliness.  While I am no longer sad, lonely (praise), or bored, my anxiety has reached new levels.  Seriously.  I have never known anxiety to the extent that I know it now.

In attempts to pacify myself yesterday afternoon, I read something that I could finally completely relate to:

"The cyclical nature of anxiety is one of the reasons that anxiety can be so hard to treat without some type of outside intervention.  You experience anxiety, then you experience very frightening symptoms, and then you experience anxiety over those symptoms."

Yes.  That is my life.  I am officially losing control and I am in the process of being okay with the fact that an outside intervention is necessary.  Maybe you guys can relate.

The root of my anxiety is my hypochondriac nature.  It is a spiraling, deep, dark pit and sometimes I just can't crawl out of it, or even see the light at the top.  I will lie awake at night tossing and turning, convinced that I have contracted either A) radon poisoning from my basement apartment, B) breast cancer (probably stage 4 and I've had it for like 2 years), or C) heart disease.  I mean it isn't even limited to these things.  It's truly anything.  I can't even actually believe I am writing this ridiculousness in a blog post, but I think it's important.  Maybe you also have unreasonable fears, or you recognize that you are being irrational, but you need someone to reassure you.  I get that.  Seriously.  I have gone so far as to look up case studies on radon deaths on PubMed, only to find that cause of death is usually lung cancer, not heart disease, and then I will convince myself that I have heart disease.  I'm not lying.  Even typing these words I am fearful.  I have to constantly remind myself of the facts.  I am 23 years old, I exercise 6 days a week, my heart beats at 53 bpm, and I have a resting blood pressure of 100/60.  I am okay, I am okay, I am okay, OH MY GOSH I AM NOT OKAY.  Begin panic.

It's awful.  I have never experience panic in the way that I have this year.  The worst part is that I feel like a failure.  At night I lie awake pleading with Jesus to take my thoughts away.  Thanking him for giving me control over my mind, but to please rid myself of the darkness that I face every single night.  I hate the night.  Nights are hard for me, it's when I am alone and when I struggle the most.  I frantically and desperately pray, yet I can't find peace.  I am frustrated, so incredibly frustrated.  I feel like I should be able to handle this and I know that my feelings of failure in my relationship with Christ are not from Him, but I am struggling to shake the feeling.

Yesterday was painful, but I am on the upward slope.  The anxiety that I feel has been clouding my ability to find joy and it takes away the hours of sleep that I need to be getting at night.  After a sleepless night on Saturday, a public panic attack at church on Sunday, and about a gallon of tears later, I am feeling peace.  I spoke with some of my favorite people in life and I received some great insight, as well as prayer.

I need help.  Anxiety-related hyperventilation, chest pain, and night sweats are not okay.  I am reliant on my savior, but He has blessed us with individuals who are trained in the medical field and who can help.  I don't need to feel like I'm drowning in darkness. 

Last night I began taking Melatonin and I slept through the whole night (minus when I woke up to my mouse traps snapping in the closet - win, the tally is up to 4).  I have a doctor's appointment next Tuesday, but I just really need you guys to pray for me.  Anxiety is real and I am so sorry to all of you who experience it on a regular basis.  It's miserable, but you know, a good friend told me that it's not forever and there is hope.  There is always hope.  My mom sent me some awesome scripture that has just soothed me so much over the past 24 hours.

I won't post the entire chapter, but if you're struggling with anxiety, please go read Psalm 139.  Actually, go read it no matter what.  It is so good.  These verses in particular have helped me so much:

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

To know that He is the Lord of both the dark and the light is so comforting to me.  I must have told myself that 100 times in the past 12 hours.  Anxiety is all over the bible.  He knew that our human selves would struggle, and man, was He right.  I'm struggling, but I am excited to move beyond this.  Everything is going to be okay.  If you're struggling, it will be okay.  I'm praying for you and you are heavy on my heart this morning. 

Thanks for reading, friends.  You are all so special to me.  Relax.  The mind is one of the wildest beasts to tame, but there is peace all around us.