Drowning

It feels like I haven't written in forever.  My life in Boone has gotten significantly more chaotic in the past month.  I began working as a graduate assistant this semester with the Learning Assistance Program, specifically with Academic Services for Athletes.  I lead study halls 15 hours a week and work with athletes to help them maintain their grades (and eligibility), work on homework, and plan projected weekly schedules.  Additionally, I am taking 10 credit hours, training for a 10-miler at the end of the March, and trying to maintain some sort of social life.  It has been challenging, but I am thankful for less idle time. 

Guys.  I have been seriously struggling.  My life significantly changed when I moved to Boone.  While I liiiike living in Boone, I miss Kyle, my family, and my friends on a daily basis.  As you know, I was teetering on the borders of depression when I first made this move and was struggling with feelings of intense loneliness.  While I am no longer sad, lonely (praise), or bored, my anxiety has reached new levels.  Seriously.  I have never known anxiety to the extent that I know it now.

In attempts to pacify myself yesterday afternoon, I read something that I could finally completely relate to:

"The cyclical nature of anxiety is one of the reasons that anxiety can be so hard to treat without some type of outside intervention.  You experience anxiety, then you experience very frightening symptoms, and then you experience anxiety over those symptoms."

Yes.  That is my life.  I am officially losing control and I am in the process of being okay with the fact that an outside intervention is necessary.  Maybe you guys can relate.

The root of my anxiety is my hypochondriac nature.  It is a spiraling, deep, dark pit and sometimes I just can't crawl out of it, or even see the light at the top.  I will lie awake at night tossing and turning, convinced that I have contracted either A) radon poisoning from my basement apartment, B) breast cancer (probably stage 4 and I've had it for like 2 years), or C) heart disease.  I mean it isn't even limited to these things.  It's truly anything.  I can't even actually believe I am writing this ridiculousness in a blog post, but I think it's important.  Maybe you also have unreasonable fears, or you recognize that you are being irrational, but you need someone to reassure you.  I get that.  Seriously.  I have gone so far as to look up case studies on radon deaths on PubMed, only to find that cause of death is usually lung cancer, not heart disease, and then I will convince myself that I have heart disease.  I'm not lying.  Even typing these words I am fearful.  I have to constantly remind myself of the facts.  I am 23 years old, I exercise 6 days a week, my heart beats at 53 bpm, and I have a resting blood pressure of 100/60.  I am okay, I am okay, I am okay, OH MY GOSH I AM NOT OKAY.  Begin panic.

It's awful.  I have never experience panic in the way that I have this year.  The worst part is that I feel like a failure.  At night I lie awake pleading with Jesus to take my thoughts away.  Thanking him for giving me control over my mind, but to please rid myself of the darkness that I face every single night.  I hate the night.  Nights are hard for me, it's when I am alone and when I struggle the most.  I frantically and desperately pray, yet I can't find peace.  I am frustrated, so incredibly frustrated.  I feel like I should be able to handle this and I know that my feelings of failure in my relationship with Christ are not from Him, but I am struggling to shake the feeling.

Yesterday was painful, but I am on the upward slope.  The anxiety that I feel has been clouding my ability to find joy and it takes away the hours of sleep that I need to be getting at night.  After a sleepless night on Saturday, a public panic attack at church on Sunday, and about a gallon of tears later, I am feeling peace.  I spoke with some of my favorite people in life and I received some great insight, as well as prayer.

I need help.  Anxiety-related hyperventilation, chest pain, and night sweats are not okay.  I am reliant on my savior, but He has blessed us with individuals who are trained in the medical field and who can help.  I don't need to feel like I'm drowning in darkness. 

Last night I began taking Melatonin and I slept through the whole night (minus when I woke up to my mouse traps snapping in the closet - win, the tally is up to 4).  I have a doctor's appointment next Tuesday, but I just really need you guys to pray for me.  Anxiety is real and I am so sorry to all of you who experience it on a regular basis.  It's miserable, but you know, a good friend told me that it's not forever and there is hope.  There is always hope.  My mom sent me some awesome scripture that has just soothed me so much over the past 24 hours.

I won't post the entire chapter, but if you're struggling with anxiety, please go read Psalm 139.  Actually, go read it no matter what.  It is so good.  These verses in particular have helped me so much:

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

To know that He is the Lord of both the dark and the light is so comforting to me.  I must have told myself that 100 times in the past 12 hours.  Anxiety is all over the bible.  He knew that our human selves would struggle, and man, was He right.  I'm struggling, but I am excited to move beyond this.  Everything is going to be okay.  If you're struggling, it will be okay.  I'm praying for you and you are heavy on my heart this morning. 

Thanks for reading, friends.  You are all so special to me.  Relax.  The mind is one of the wildest beasts to tame, but there is peace all around us. 

 

Buncha Hippies

This has been the week of documentaries.  I choose not to pay for cable in my tiny little apartment, so Netflix is one of my dearest friends.  I really, really, really like to watch ridiculous television, the more dramatic the better, so what better to watch than a documentary?

But seriously guys, Netflix has an excellent documentary selection.

On Monday night Kyle and I watched Blackfish and last night we watched Bully.  I was so emotionally drained after watching each film.  I heaved with sobs during each documentary, and when they were over, I knew that it was time to write.  You lucky people, you.

I hope you guys have seen these films.  They are amazing.  Painful to watch, but really amazing.  If you haven't seen them, Blackfish pretty much "exposes" how incredibly awful SeaWorld is in respect to their care of Killer Whales.  In general, animals in captivity, I can't even...  The documentary goes into detail about the lifespan of one of SeaWorld's most valued whales, Tilikum, and his many attacks on different trainers.  Additionally, Blackfish shows SeaWorld separating mother whales from their babies, whale hunting, and the nature of the captivity of the whales.  Synopsis done.  Click the link and watch it on Netflix.  Bully is a documentary that follows five different families who have children that deal with bullying on a daily basis.  Several of the families had children who ended their lives as a result of bullying at ages as young as 11 years old.  Heartbreaking.  Watch them, you will weep.

I have always been convicted by the treatment of animals.  I tend to be so overly empathetic sometimes that I think that I get more sad, or more emotional, than the person, animal, or object at risk.  I mean, seriously.  Sometimes I think it's a curse, but I truly do recognize the beauty in my convictions.  I became a vegetarian when I was a sophomore in college and I still rock the veg life.  I gave up meat for Lent as a response to a Food and Sustainability course I was taking and never looked back.  I told myself I wasn't some animal rights activist, I did it for the health reasons.  I grew up being told that those "tree huggers" who were for the ethical treatment of animals cared more for the animals than they did for the people.  False.  I don't believe that.  Why can't we love people and animals?  Or living things in general?  I know many of you reading this are on your carnivore grind every day, and that's fine, but just keep reading.  I'm not about to call you out.  I started reading and watching more films to figure out where I really stood on this whole eating meat thing.  Many say I fell into the deep, dark pit of propaganda, and maybe I did, but I just can't deny the facts.  The best source I read to give me the facts was Eating Meat by Jonathan Safran Foer.  I have encouraged so many to read this book.  The usual response is: "I don't want to because I know that I will want to stop eating meat."

..........okay.  Screaming in my head, "WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW?!"  Knowing is my style.  I don't want to support the unethical ways that meat is raised in the United States.  With that being said, I am open to paying sustainable farmers a pretty penny for their hard, ethical work, I just can't afford it.  I can't support zoos.  I won't.  Everything turns into the dollar and it's heartbreaking.  By making small changes I truly believe that one person can help be the change.  You are not too small, and I am not too small.

Alright, so, I'm also into planet Earth, but not as much as I would like to be.  I truly appreciate sustainable living, but I find myself being lazy about it.  I do things like put aluminum foil over a metal baking pan so that I don't have to wash the pan.  I do it with a guilty heart, but I still do it.  I produce about two bags of trash a week from just myself, though thankfully Boone has an amazing recycling program.  Sometimes if the weather is super gross, I'll drive down the hill instead of walk and pay $5.00 to park in the parking garage.  I love my planet and I care about the animals, but in general I care about living things.  I want to be a person who acts on my strong convictions, but I find it to be so incredibly hard.  Maybe you feel the same way.    

Hippie:  a usually young person who rejects the established social customs (such as by dressing in an unusual way or living in a commune) and who opposes violence and war; especially : a young person of this kind in the 1960s and 1970s.

Why do we throw this word around all the time?  Why do people who are about the well being of our planet and of other living things have to be called hippies?  How could the people in these documentaries hear the desperate cries of the mother whale and still separate her from her precious baby?  How can these elementary, middle, and high school students be so incredibly cruel to their classmates?  How?!  It may be the most cliche phrase in the history of ever, but all you need is love.  Love has to be missing for these things to take place.  This is so incredibly sad.  We are all guilty of lacking love every single day.  It's hard.  We're human and our moods swing.  We get irritable and a lot of the time we are all about us.  I loved the quote at the end of Bully, "It starts with one."  So true.  One person can be the change, one person can make a difference.

Nehemiah 9:6 says, "You alone are Lord.  You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry hosts, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them.  You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you."

This planet is not our own.  It's like this, if a friend has a beach house in Hawaii and they tell you that you can go stay there for the week.  They encourage you to make yourself at home, but yet you are careful.  You recognize that the house is actually not your own, and when it is time to leave you make sure that everything was just as it was when you arrived.  The same goes for this planet.  We must protect God's beautiful works as though we are only guests staying in His Hawaiian beach house.

Love.  You don't have to be some "hippie" to care about this earth and all that God created.  Value our resources and love all living things.  How can we reject God's beautiful work by subjecting it to such poor treatment?  It seems like a smack in the face, like kicking a hole through a canvas an artist worked so hard on.

When Jesus walked this earth just as we do now, He was so incredibly gentle, so caring.  He treaded lightly and he exuded love.  It's what Jesus did best.  It's like all over the bible.  Weird right?

Judgement isn't anyones job here on earth.  Yes, ,we will ultimately be judged by God in the end and our eternal destinations will be decided.  When I'm asked if I fed His lambs, and loved my enemies I don't want to stand before Him and be like....Oh wait, God.  You were serious about that?  I want to love my neighbor and serve my city.  I want to pour love out the way that Jesus did.  I want to take up the mission of God's true church.  There are so many broken people in situations that I can't even wrap my mind around, broken people who are lonely, broken people who are ridiculed, broken people living in extreme poverty that it is just simply omission of God's word not to love them and to help them.  My prayer is that I can act upon my convictions.

The principle of God's immense love for us is one of the oldest in the books.  Pour it out into His creation and all living things.

Revolutionary.  That's what it feels like to me.      

   

 

But They'll Only Buy Booze...

It's 11:06 pm and while I am incredibly excited, I am writing this post with a heavy heart.  I feel encouraged and enlightened, yet I am terrified.  I am ready to jump out of the boat and into the sea, yet it feels as if I am bound by a million ropes holding me back.  Fear is consuming me, yet my heart is willing.  Let me elaborate.

My entire blog has been based off of my convictions and I have written as the Spirit has been moving in me.  I never force a post.  I have never sat at my computer, opened up my blog, and decided I needed to write a post because it has been a while and I am losing readers.  Never.  Yet the second my thoughts become too heavy, or I notice myself pushing my convictions away, I can see my entire post laid out in my mind, paragraph by paragraph.  I hope my rambles have made sense to you and you have a found a way to apply them to your own lives.  I just wanted you guys to know that.  Anyways, no matter who you are, what you believe, or where you live, this one is about to hit home.  I mean it.

I have noticed the Spirit stirring a new season in my life for about the past four months...actually well beyond that, it's just been impossible to ignore as of recently.  If you read my blog, you know I struggle with materialism in more ways than one.  I am sickened by the consumption of our nation, including myself.  Tonight HGTV was doing a segment on decorating the White House for Christmas and I was so sad.  The dollars upon dollars that are poured into this showcase and then a TV show covers it, while I am sure a homeless man is sleeping under a tree only a stones throw from the iron fence that surrounds the house's premises.  I am deeply, deeply saddened by this, yet I do nothing.  My heart yearns to help, though I do not.  I am greedy and obsessed with the cycle of upward motion in the ladder of life.  I can feel myself being broken of this and I am so glad.  The question is...how?

So coming in second place next to Netflix ( I kid, guys), I totally love Jen Hatmaker.  She is so incredibly real.  I love it.  I feel like religion can often cause us to embrace a set of rules while Jesus waits for us in the background, always waiting.  Jefferon Bethke says it best in this video (which is seriously awesome):  Churches have turned into a museum for the good people, rather than a hospital for the broken.  I have been so turned off by religious people in my past, and I imagine many of you have been, as well.  After I learned about the ignition of the fire set by Jesus Christ, my entire life changed and continues to change every single day.  I can see this fire through Jen's words and I love it.  Coincidently, I am currently reading Jen's book, Interrupted, and it is TOTALLY INTERRUPTING my life.  The story is about God's interruption in her life and the turmoil that ensued.  Her call to "feed the lambs" became quite real, and I can feel that desire within myself.

So begins this: Justice for the poor.  

Yes.

If you live in the valley, have ever gotten off 81 headed into Staunton, Virginia, or really have ever seen a homeless person, then this applies to you.

I am so incredibly aware of everything I have and how much I have and am willing to give away, yet every single time I see these men I am skeptical.  I could give them money, but....they'll probably buy booze or drugs, or they won't really appreciate it.  So I just won't.  In fact, I'll just drive past them and forget them in about 15 seconds.  UGH!  You can relate right?  Or maybe you can't, in which case I commend you.  So listen to this:

"This is what God taught me through Judas at Jesus' table, eating the broken bread that was His body: We don't get to opt out of living on mission because we might not be appreciated.  We're not allowed to neglect the oppressed because we have reservations about their discernment.  We cannot deny love because it might be despised or misunderstood.  We can't withhold social relief because we're not convinced it will be perfectly managed.  Must we be wise?  Absolutely.  But doing nothing is a blatant sin of omission.  Turning a blind eye to the bottom on the grounds of "unworthiness" is the antithesis to Jesus' entire mission......Jesus came to the foulest, filthiest place possible (Earth), full of ungrateful, self-destructive people who would betray Him far more than they'd love Him (a whole planet of Judases).  He broke His body for rich people who would curse Him the second their prosperity was endangered (that's us).  He poured His blood out for those who would take His Word and use it as a bludgeoning tool.  He became the offering for people who would slander His name with ferocity, yet His grace was theirs for the asking until they drew their last breaths, even if all they could offer Him was a lifetime of hatred and repentance." -Jen Hatmaker

...Whoa.

Proverbs 29:7 says, "The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern."

Yes, those with nothing (and those with everything) will take advantage of you, they will let you down, and some of them will be ungrateful, but more will accept your graciousness than turn it away.  This is crazy, guys.  This is Jesus.  Straight up Jesus, the most beautiful, selfless human being to ever exist, yet he was rejected, just like the homeless man standing on the corner of 81 and 250.  Rejected.  Outcast.  Judged by those with everything, yet denied the right of discernment.

Set religion aside and embrace Jesus like he has embraced us, the scum of the earth.  To help others is to become broken, just as He was for us.  I want to help, but I am afraid of where it may take me.  Away from my family?  Away from my things?  Away from the United States?

Be open to letting the Spirit move.  Don't shut Him out or ignore that stirring within your gut.

Embrace the actions of Jesus, and shed the robes of religion.
More of Him, less of me.

My prayer is that my spirit, as well as yours, will be more deeply afflicted than ever the next time I think, "But they'll only buy booze..."

And lastly, I leave you with a quote from Robert. Kennedy.  I often make peace with myself when I do not act as I want to against areas that I am passionate about, such as social justice or food justice.  I sometimes lie to myself and make myself believe that my one action alone is incapable to making any type of dent on the misery that is clouding our nation.  If you ever feel like this, check it out:

"Let no one be discouraged by the belief there is nothing one man or one woman can do against the enormous array of the world's ills - against misery and ignorance, injustice and violence...Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation...It is from the numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped.  Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance." -Robert F. Kennedy        

Satisfaction with Life Scale

Recently, my ability to over think the smallest of situations went into overdrive, but in a good way.  I was working on a stats exam yesterday afternoon and one of the questions made me really upset, a little angry, and then just sad.  It was the Satisfaction with Life Scale (SWLS) created by Ed Diener, Robert Emmons, Randy Larson, and Sharon Griffin.  Why this was on my stats exam, I'm not sure, but if you haven't heard of it, check it out:

Below are five statements that you may agree or disagree with.  Using the 1-7 scale below, indicate your agreement with each item by placing the appropriate number on the line preceding that item.  Please be open and honest in your responding.

• 7 - Strongly agree
• 6 - Agree
• 5 - Slightly agree
• 4 - Neither agree nor disagree
• 3 - Slightly disagree
• 2 - Disagree
• 1 - Strongly disagree

1.  In most ways, my life is close to ideal.

2.  The conditions of my life are excellent.

3.  I am satisfied with my life.

4.  So far I have gotten the important things I want in life.

5.  If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing.  

Add your answers up and see where you fall:

• 31-35 Extremely satisfied
• 26-30 Satisfied
• 21-25 Slightly satisfied
• 20 Neutral
• 15-19 Slightly dissatisfied
• 10-14 Dissatisfied
• 5-9 Extremely dissatisfied

This. Survey. Is. Annoying.  

That's it.  My stomach was churning over this dumb thing, like I was really angry about this.  Side note:  I am an incredibly emotional, anxiety-ridden, short-fused person.  When I start to feel things, like my stomach churning with rage, I have to stop and really boil down why I feel that way.  So I did.

As I read each question, I didn't know how to respond with anything less than a 7.  I mean I am an over thinker, and that's what happened here without a doubt, but in this instance I was thankful.  How could I say that the conditions of my life are anything less than excellent?  I was sitting in the App State computer lab looking at a 27-inch monitor in a warm room, and when I was done, I was going to walk back to my warm, furnished apartment and make a delicious meal with all of the ingredients in my fridge, and then I was going to lay in my huge, comfy bed and watch Netflix on my Mac.  Privilege.  This question deserved nothing less than a 7.  When asked if my life was close to ideal, or if I was satisfied with my life, I had to think long and hard.  I put 7's for these questions, as well.  How can I not be satisfied?

Satisfaction:  

a.  The fulfillment or gratification of a desire, need, or appetite.       

b.  Pleasure or contentment derived from such gratification.

c.  A source or means of gratification.

I'd say that satisfaction comes from the conditions of my life, which are above and beyond what I could ever need.  If you do not feel satisfied, write about it.  Pray about it.  Make a list.  You will find a way to feel satisfaction, guaranteed.  I started to think about what satisfaction must mean to those in places where they are being persecuted for what they believe, and those who fall asleep hungry or cold, those who have been forced into human trafficking, and those who are completely alone,without hope, and without any resources to provide help.  I was thinking about how they would answer these questions.  Here in the US, I feel immense financial pressure.  Satisfaction stems from money.  Wrong.  I was thinking about how I would feel if my survey were compared to someone from some third world country and how I would feel if they had put all 7's on their survey and I had put anything less.  After I quickly ran through this scenario in my mind, my questions received all 7's.  

One particular question really got me:  So far I have gotten the important things I want in life...Um.  If you read my blog, you know I struggle with want and material desire.  I think a lot of the pressure that we feel comes from this idea of want.  We want so many things that we can never truly be satisfied.  We are trying to fill a hole that can't be filled by all of the things that we want.  

I have learned something huge since I moved to Boone:  it isn't about what I want.  My whole life I have prayed for things like, "God, please keep us safe on this car ride.  God, please help me make it through grad school.  God, please keep me and my loved ones healthy and safe.  God, please don't let this happen or God, please don't let that happen."  I have a new prayer.  My prayer is that God will work how He sees best fit, which ultimately He will.  It may not be what I want, and the results may be devastating, but I have to be okay with that.  He knows what is best for me and I take great comfort in that.  When I realize all of these things, I can feel the pressure melt away.  It will never be about what I want, and thank God, really.  I am only human and relying on myself, or anyone else, or material needs will always leave me wanting.  I'm tired of wanting.  I am deeply satisfied with the conditions of my life and the comfort that I find through Jesus Christ.        

Overriding selfishness and self desire takes work.  I mean constant work.  It goes against human nature and it is HARD.  I'm a firm believer that self-reflection is crucial.  I recognize that maybe my thought process was a little different from others when taking this survey, but I think it's necessary.  

Readers, I hope you feel comfort and I hope you feel satisfaction.  Sometimes we get clouded by all of the things that are going on in our lives, I know.  Sift through the fog of worry, doubt, and fear and recognize all that we have.  Forgive those who are hurting you and it will set you free.  Look past everything that is weighing you down and realize the immense satisfaction that you have been blessed with.  Lying underneath of it all is hope and new found joy in the simple things.  

Now go make a sandwich or order some takeout.  It's lunchtime and I'm hungry, so I'm going to eat because I can.  Here's to 7's all around, people.

Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."             

   

Catching Fire to the Blackest of Fridays

I used to love Black Friday.  Yeah, I know there are some "awesome" deals out there, but now the whole idea has me feeling sad and a little sick.

The day I got home from Boone the TV was on and a few commercials came on that stirred this empty feeling inside of me.  Maybe it's because I don't have cable in Boone, so it had been awhile since I had seen a commercial.  I wasn't numb to the 30 second messages being blasted through the TV screen, but I was kind of thinking about them a lot.  One Target commercial had changed the chorus in a Christmas song from "Fa la la la la, la la la la," to "Shop shop shop shop shop, shop shop shop shop."  Ew.  Immediately following this commercial, a Golden Corral commercial advertised their chocolate fountain as being, "One of the seven wonders of the world."  We have become a society that thrives off of materialism and indulgence.  More is always better...but is it actually?

To make ideas more real to me, I like to apply them to situations that hit home.  What's real to me right now:  Catching Fire.  *If you haven't read the Hunger Games series or seen the new movie, go do it.*  I was thinking about how we have been designed to be consumers since the day we were born.  Companies specialize in targeting just the right audience so that they can be more profitable and they are really, really good at it.  Generally, we're a little unaware of it or we just don't care.  Our capital system fuels a desire within us to get up at 2 am the day after Thanksgiving to go wait in line and fight with someone over a TV that is marked down a hundred bucks.  Awesome.  It's ironic really.  We spend a whole day being thankful for all we have only to wake up in the morning wanting more.  I was thinking about how Katniss takes small steps to rebel against the capital and create hope within the surrounding districts.  If we were to ignore all of the Black Friday hype and celebrate the things we already have, how cool would that be?  Think of all the people who wouldn't have to go into work to fuel the flame that we, as a people, have turned into a roaring fire.  Black Friday started at Walmart yesterday at some ridiculous hour like 5 pm.  Some people haven't eaten Thanksgiving dinner by this time.  Some people won't eat anything at all!  But all we can think about is getting that deal.  This is sad, guys.  My heart is breaking for what we have become.  We have fallen into the materialistic marketing ploys, and all for what?  That's what I'm really interested in...I'm just wondering what it's all for.

I'm sitting here thinking about my Amazon wish list.  I would really love a smart TV so that I can do mindless tasks on my computer AND watch Netflix.  I feel like this is something that I need.  This makes me so sad.  I don't want to be someone who always wants.  

Thankfully, I don't have any money to spend, but what if I did?  I hope I wouldn't have been among the masses lined up at all of the surrounding stores.  I don't want to be defined by my stuff.  If my house burnt down, I don't want my passions and my biggest joys to be within my things.  They're just things.  I don't need one more sweater marked down to ten dollars, I already have ten, which is nine more than I could ever need.  I don't need more stuff.  People who woke up with nothing today didn't wake up and think, "Hey, I'm going to go hit the Black Friday sales."  They couldn't.  They probably woke up sad, hungry, and maybe lonely.  Yet many of us woke up with everything we could ever need and decided we wanted even more.  

Today, I encourage you to count the blessings you already have.  Put your passions and love into something that won't burn with a house fire.  Less really is more.  When you die, your wardrobe, your car, your house, and your stuff isn't coming with you.  It's temporary.  Stuff ties you down.  Large amounts of money poured into any one item makes it more valuable than it ever should be.  How nice would it be to just walk out the door with everything you own in a backpack?  I couldn't do it, but it sure is awesome to think about.  Invest in love.  Invest in people.  Invest in those who have nothing.  We live in a country that uses fountains for beauty while other countries travel miles to a clean water source.  Be thankful for the small things.  We are blessed with running, clean water, warm houses, and plenty of food that could feed a small army.

More is less, don't forget it.  It's a daily challenge.  Everything in this world tells us that this isn't true and more is always better.  I disagree.  A friend on twitter today had some awesome hashtags:

#happybuynothingday

#downwithmaterialism

#downwithconsumerism

And lastly,

       Matthew 6:19-21

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.  But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Everyone Needs A Figther

Need a fighter?
Or be one.

God is doing some crazy things in my life right now.  I think it's pretty fascinating to look back at my spiritual journey over the past few months.  It reminds me of some ideas Jen Hatmaker touches on in 7 (seriously read this book).  I completely removed myself from everything that was comfortable to me, and through doing that, it allowed more room for Jesus to move.  I needed change and I needed to create more space within myself so that I could grow.

More of Him, less of me.

With that being said, God has really had it on my heart to pray.  I mean serious, intentional prayer.  I tend to give God the tiny 5% that I have left at the end of the day when I talk to Him.  Also, I tend to pray for myself and the needs that are most important to me.  I pray for the safety and health of Kyle, my family, and my friends.  I pray that I will make it through grad school without failing out.  Generally, I'm a pretty selfish person...and I recognize that (sometimes).

You guys, God is so big and more majestic than we can even comprehend.  For me to quickly speak with Him before I fall asleep just doesn't even give Him the glory He deserves.  I have started praying out loud in my apartment during times of the day when my tank isn't running on empty.  I've become more intentional in the content of my prayers, as well.  Rather than praying for my desires and what I want, I need to pray about what God thinks is best.  My idea of how I want things to go can be SO different of His idea and His plan.  I'm learning to accept that and to allow Him to move how He sees fit.

Also, you know how everyone is always like, "I'll pray for you?"  For those of you who don't know me very well, I am a recovering flake.  Seriously.  I have suffered from serious flake-itis and I am making some serious improvements in changing this about myself.  When I say I'm going to pray for you, I need to actually do it.  I don't want the powerful act of prayer to be an empty promise that I hand out to others.  This week, I intentionally prayed for specific situations every single day.  This is something I am really, really, really, working at.

Lastly, since I moved to Boone, God has completely shown me how to be a fighter for someone else.  Both emotionally and spiritually.  I can recall one of my deepest, darkest memories from when I had just recently made the decision to seek after Christ again.  I wasn't 100% there yet.  God hadn't completely broken me down yet.  I look at the miraculous ways God was fighting for me in that specific situation and I am so incredibly grateful.  He had his hand on so many terrible situations that protected me and I didn't even want Him to.  Wow.  How crazy, right?

So, with that being said, God had my back through it all, but I never had a human, flesh and bones fighter.  Nobody really knew the extent of my spiritual battle.  I desired to live in both the light and the dark, which I now know is impossible.  Sometimes I still feel myself wanting to revert back into those old behaviors.  I didn't have a specific person fighting for me.  I was completely alone in my struggle, for the most part.  I also didn't know what it meant to truly fight for someone...until now.

I'm going to get a little cliche and say that everyone needs that peanut butter to their jelly, or that icing to their cupcake, that horizon to their sky, or maybe even...the Mario to their Luigi.

Hehe, no but seriously.  I have understood deep, true friendship, but what God is teaching me now is different.  I have learned how to truly spiritually invest into another human being and to fight for them.  I'm not talking about physical fighting, but hey I'd throw a punch for my peeps.  I'm talking broken, on my knees, praying and pleading with God for a friend.  I have never prayed like this for another human being.  Ever.  This realization slapped me in the face yesterday.

We are broken people called to serve and to love others.  I mean seriously love in the way that Jesus loved us.  Yes, I recognize that amount of unconditional love is physically impossible for human capacity, but we can try.

My prayer is that you guys have someone fighting for you.  I recognize that we all struggle with different things.  Maybe some of you are suffering from physical pain, or grief, or hopelessness.  God has your back, but I hope you have a loved one that does too.

Be a fighter, guys.  Spiritual warfare is waging all around us.  This terrifies me, but also gives me peace.  We are constantly being fought for.  We are that loved.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If they fall down, they can help each other up.  But pity those who fall and have no one to help them up!  Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.  But how can one keep warm alone?  Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Help pick someone up.  Everyone needs a fighter.

Check Yo Self.

Alright, I know my writing has slowed down, but grad school is kicking my butt.  I took an exam yesterday and I have a brief break until I have a literature review due on Wednesday...*sigh*.

Why did I come to grad school again?

Okay so anyways, I have to share something.  Last weekend my dad visited me and we went hiking.  Though I do not doubt the rumors that Winter in Boone is miserable (my apartment is a cozy 45 degrees right now), Fall in Boone is stupid pretty.  I mean seriously breathtaking.  I am humbled every single day by God's beauty when I walk down Stadium Drive (my mini mountain) and I see the mountains looming over Appalachian's campus.  I mean I am so serious.  Living in the valley was absolutely gorgeous, but living on the actual mountain has a whole new perspective.  Visit me, people.

Check it out.  This is what I see when I walk down to class every morning:

This overlook, Howard's Knob, which sits right above the grocery store I shop at.  People run to the top of it (because they're insane).  I could be there in 3 minutes if I wanted to go right now (driving of course).  It overlooks App and I just think it's amazing.  Check it out:

Lastly, this image is from the parkway this past weekend.  My dad and I took the parkway on the way home from hiking and we couldn't help but stop to take a picture.

I mean that is just miles, and miles, and miles of beauty.  I can't help but think of how creative God is when I look at these images.  My dad and I got into an interesting conversation about the nature of children while we were hiking.  Most kids operate through instant gratification.  They can't comprehend how they literally can do nothing themselves, though they don't see it that way.  Appreciation for all the beauty that surrounds us doesn't come until later in life, that usually includes appreciation for our parents, as well.  I hated hiking when I was a kid.  I didn't care about beautiful views.  So what.  I thought hiking was hard and it made me sweat and there were bugs.  I needed immediate instant gratification.  I didn't want to hike 3 miles to some view.  Now, I love these views.  I feel so tiny and I love it.  All of the man-made features of the world melt away and I can truly see the raw, first-hand product of God's beauty.  What a gift.  It's humbling.  This idea of children being so incredibly reliant on their parents for every single need should be an illustration of our encounters with God.  When we grow out of that stage with our parents, we have to put that reliance on someone new.  Pray about it.  It's hard not to think we can fix everything all on our own.  That is probably one of my greatest struggles.

So, listen to this.

STORY TIME.

This morning I randomly woke up around 5:45 am.  I always sleep straight through the night, so it was kind of weird.  I was wide awake, which was also weird because I went to bed at like 2 am last night.  This incredibly strange rustling/clicking noise was coming from the oven and it was totally freaking me out (I have an electric oven, not gas, calm down friends.  I am not dying of carbon monoxide poisoning....yes I googled why ovens make random clicking noises).  So I got up to check it out and it would stop every time I would get up.  I was pretty freaked out...mostly because I thought there was a squirrel or some other type of small animal rustling around in my oven.  I am now assuming my apartment is so freakishly cold that my oven was just having muscle spasms...let's go with that.

Amidst my panic attack I checked my Facebook on my phone.  Clearly this has calming potential.  I had a message from a reader whom I had never met before.  I hope she is okay with me sharing this, but she shared me some incredibly kind thoughts about the impact of my blog.  It brought tears to my eyes.  She encouraged me to keep writing and to keep on seeking Him with an honest heart, so I have to be honest.

My first thought was not to share this on my blog, but that I couldn't wait to tell my mom, my boyfriend, my friends...blah blah blah.  Pride just started to consume me in this really awful way and I didn't even realize it.  All of a sudden, my oven started getting louder and this really odd feeling came over me that I needed to pray.  I talked to God about my pride and how sorry I was that I took those kind words all onto myself.  I can be so self-centered.  Immediately after I prayed the clicking stopped and I fell back asleep until...now.  When I woke up was when I realized that I wanted this to be a blog entry, not a story to my friends about how influential my words are.  

Just last week I was so humbled by God's beauty on the parkway...how quickly I forgot!  I need to be humbled every single day because I will let pride consume me 100%.  Sometimes I give myself all the credit and I can just feel myself doing it.  During the early hours of this morning God gave me an incredibly needed reminder.

We are broken and we can't do this all on our own...well I'm definitely broken.  Maybe you don't think you are...yet, and that's so okay.  It took me a while to understand how broken I was and obviously, by the nature of my posts, well you can see how I still forget every single day.

We all fall short by our own strength.   

Ephesians 2:8-10

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."