Where My Planners At?

It's been awhile.  My thoughts are all over the place tonight, but I will make an attempt to streamline them.

I am a planner.  When I wake up in the morning, I know exactly what I am going to make for each meal that day.  I know exactly where I need to be, my phone will begin reminding me I need to be there hours before, and I will arrive between 10 to 15 minutes early.  It's what I do.  I don't like vague plans and when people are late I am irritated. Very irritated.

Sometimes my obsession with detail and organization gets in the way of my ability to see the big picture.  I see it in numerous areas of my life.  I get angry when others temper with my schedule and I want to hyperventilate when I think about being late.  I just seem to think I have it all figured out, like my plans are etched in stone and there is no going back.  Tonight I feel extra burdened by my type A mentality.

I look back on some parts of my life where I was just living.  Structure to my plans was limited.  I didn't care where I ended up and I found myself in some incredibly dire situations.  Looking back now I am so thankful that some of those situations didn't have a different ending, that I made it out without too many scars, and that I worked my way out of it.  I needed serious saving.  Some of those memories still make my stomach roll with fear and sadness.  Sometimes I think about those scenarios working out in a different way and I thank God that they did not.  I needed saving, but I didn't ask for it.  I was so lost, but I felt like I didn't need to find a way out.  I was pulled out of those circumstances by the most divine of interventions.  I can recall hopeless situations that have no other answer to why they ended the way they did, but because God was taking care of me.

This whole idea struck me hard the other day.  I live a different life now, but I still find it hard to fully put my trust in Jesus.  I have a game plan.  I'm working towards my Master's degree so that I can achieve x, y, z.  Whatever.  Sometimes Jesus breaks me down and I'm like, "What am I doing here? How am I serving you, Lord?"  We can all be used right we are, but that's not what I am trying to say in this post.  Situations where I wasn't trusting God at all, He still came through for me.  Now, I look at areas that I am so hesitant to give up to Him, and I just don't know why.  He gave everything for me.  Literally He gave His only son.  Who does that?  I think it's easy to become numb to the idea that Jesus died for our sins.  The magnitude of this is so intense, so incredibly intense.  If you pause and just think about why someone would do that for you, it's heavy.  It's easy to hear this over and over and over and over and not truly recognize how large this act was each time it's heard.  I struggle with this.  When I was attempting to find Jesus again my sophomore year of college, I used to watch this video.

It's old, but I rediscovered it again the other day.  It's so comforting to imagine this personal relationship with Jesus...I mean that's what it is.  I may be a planner, but I am so safe putting my trust in Christ.  Setting my plans in stone with Him is the best decision I've ever made.  When I don't put my trust in Him, I am choosing myself over Him.  I struggle with this daily.  This song always gives me a reality check.  The lyrics have a way of shrinking my head and breaking my heart.  I need that.

Ripping control out of my clenched fist is no easy task.  My prayer is that God will chisel that part of me away little by little each day.

This journey is no easy stroll through the park, but nobody every said it would be.
Less of me, more of Him.  

Lamentations 3:22-26

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Home

I am finally home for a few short days.  Nothing can replace home.  I won't lie, I cried a little when I got off on the Staunton/Fishersville exit.  I already know that once Monday morning comes I will not want to leave.  I have only been here since Tuesday afternoon, but I have a couple of things to share.

1.  The water pressure here is wonderful.  AND I can raise my arms above my head when I take a shower and not hit the ceiling.  I took that for granted, so I'll enjoy it while I'm here visiting.

2.  Last night I gave my testimony to the Staunton Alliance youth group during their Refuge meeting time.  I have been feeling so called towards youth.  I feel for these kids.  My prayer is that they will understand how incredibly important it is to establish their identity in Christ now, before college rocks them with trials and challenges they never anticipated.  I shared with them how I, fortunately, had a solid foundation under me and I truly did know Christ before I began college.  I just got so caught up in sin that I lost my way for a long time.  I never doubted He wasn't real, or that His word wasn't true, I just didn't want to listen and I didn't know how to find my way out of my vicious cycle of sin.

For those of you who think you know me, you're about to really know me.  I recorded my testimony last night, but I have chosen not to post it on my blog.  I believe that it is God's testimony and not my own, so I hope that it impacts you in some way.

I was raised in the church and I truly knew Christ.  I had a relationship with Him, truly.  I found myself being sexually impure, and getting high and drunk often.  It was fun.  This progressed through my sophomore year and one night I hit rock bottom.  I specifically remember sitting in my dorm and just sobbing and Kelly coming in to check on me.  It is so cool to think about how God was fighting for me that whole time.  He never once turned away from me, He was just waiting for me to listen.  I finally listened, but it took awhile for me to get to know Him again.  Not long after, I met a guy that God strategically put in my life to save me, in a sense.  We met under incredibly sinful circumstances, but he was in the same place as me, though I would say he was a little more spiritually mature than I was at the time.  I saw God work through him and I began restoring my long broken relationship with Christ again.  I don't know that I could have done this alone at that point in my life.  God was looking out for me when I was introduced to that guy.  Together we grew and it was so cool.  I learned what a christian relationship was designed to be.  I learned about boundaries and how incredibly important intentionality is when physical touch cannot be the number one love language.  It was so hard for me, but I learned so much.  We parted ways and I continued through college still struggling, though I had gained my sight for Jesus back.  I struggled with wanting to revert back into old behaviors, actually reverting back into old behaviors, and controlling my language.  I began dating my first boyfriend that I ever had, like ever, and he became (and still is) such a spiritual leader to me.  I can see God's character and how much He truly loves me through Kyle.  It is one of my greatest blessings and I let him know every day.  This past summer and since I moved to Boone, my relationship with my savior has only grown.  The more I fall in love with Jesus, the less I think about the "rules" of christianity.  Worship through my actions, words, and thoughts becomes more natural.  This is how it was designed to be, people.  Falling in love with God, rather than just believing he exists, is the only way to truly experience Him.  If you have doubts and fears, that is so natural, but once you truly get to know Him, your life will be forever changed.  You'll never want to go back.

I just want these middle and high school students to embrace this!  Ah, I just can't emphasize it enough.  How do you tell a 16-year-old that Jesus is it.  Look no further, He is all you will ever need.  He is the beginning and the end and our time here is so temporary.  Most of what we do here on Earth amounts to nothing.  How do you tell them that seeking after God is more important than their relationship, or their PS2, or impressing their friends, or being popular, or making the Varsity team?  I just don't know.  They have to experience it.  They have to figure it out themselves, we all do.  I just pray that they don't have to find Him the way I did.  He is there and He is waiting.  If you search for Him, you will find Him.

I don't know what you guys are struggling with today, or what's going in your life.  I was so grateful by the feedback that I got from the youth and the leaders about my testimony.  So many Christians have biblical knowledge, but lack that relationship with Christ.  Sometimes we're afraid to admit that.  It's like Christians have to maintain some "perfect" act when they're around other Christians, or anybody.  Let's be honest...we're all humans here.  We all are subject to sucking.  We all struggle.  Being real with others allows God to move through our stories and our struggles.  You never know who may be having similar struggles.  Transparency is so incredibly important, guys.  It really is.  Recently every one in my small group shared their testimonies and it really grew us.  Knowing people's struggles and fears makes them more real.  It's amazing.

I am so excited about whatever God is going to do in the live's of the youth who were at Refuge on Wednesday night.  He was thinking about all of us when this earth was just darkness.  That's so comforting to me, and I hope it is to you, as well.  That's how much you're loved.  If you're interested in hearing the audio of my talk last night, shoot me an email and I'll hook you up.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plan I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Roll with the Punches

Stress /stres/ (noun) - a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances. synonyms: strain, pressure, nervous tension, worry, anxiety, trouble, difficulty. 

Exams. Deadlines. Self-image. Self-worth. Work. Kids. Relationships. Money. Addiction. Cancer. Sickness. Loneliness.  Fear.

Insert whatever you want.

Everyone carries a different burden that comes with a different type of stress.  Everyone has their own way of coping.  Differences create diversity, and that's great, but maybe our views need to change.

We all know that person who stresses over every. little. thing.  The person who has an anxiety attack over their philosophy exam the next day, the person who got a parking ticket and their world has come to a standstill, or the person who got scolded by their boss and they will now hate him or her forever, no exceptions.  We get so worked up about the little things, we hold grudges, and we compete with other people about who has more going on in their lives.  It's a natural instinct for most of us to just freak out when things start to get hard, or don't go as we planned.  Often times this deflects on to the people we love.  Stress gets in the way of indulging in small things that bring happiness, or it just gets in the way of joy in general.  Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Ugh...if this one thing wasn't going on right now, then I would be able to fully enjoy this moment."

I have a friend that God strategically put into my life when I moved to Boone.  I met her at my bible study and she has continually given me new perspective on life.  She has been heavy, heavy, heavy on my heart the past 36 hours.  Two nights ago a close friend of hers passed away.  His name was Dylan and he was only 17-years-old.  He had been in a tough battle with Leukemia and other health related issues and he lost his battle to a severe heart attack.  Watch this video to see his story.  Seriously.  

Last night Caroline and I were sitting in my car at her apartment complex and she was talking to me about Dylan, and how joyful and happy he always was, regardless of the chemo, regardless of the pain, regardless of the fear.  Everyone who met him felt like they knew him forever.  He had a knack for making people feel welcome.  This boy began his fight with cancer at a young age and never knew "normalcy" the way that other adolescents and teenagers did.  A few nights ago he had just been talking to Caroline about how pumped he was to go to his high school prom.  Wow.  How quickly life can change.  Just like that, in the blink of an eye.  We are so temporary.  I can't imagine what Caroline, or his many other loved ones are going through.  This is a heavy burden, one that makes a small quiz look like an anthill in comparison to a castle.

Caroline said something in particular that really impacted me.

"If Dylan could find joy through everything he was going through, so can I."

What a cool way to think about it.  She told me about how two nights ago, when things were incredibly fresh, and the shock of it all was just setting in, she started to make a list of 10 blessings in her life.  Tonight she was able to tell me how incredibly blessed she was and how much she had to be thankful for.  I hope that I would have this same attitude after losing one of my closest friends.  When things are rough, and darkness seems to surround you, give this a shot.  Make a list of 10 blessings in your life.  Don't make it about self-pity, don't make it about you, it isn't about you.  Don't let your stress, whatever that may be, negatively impact others who love you and hate to see you hurt.  Make it what you will, it truly is your decision.  But if you could chose happiness over any other feeling, wouldn't you?

James 1:2-4

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

When your hope is set in Christ, all outlooks change.  Hold on to these verses.  Some stresses in life are just 90 million times harder than others, but they will pass, all things do.  Nothing of this world is permanent, which may sound wonderful to some of you, though incredibly scary to others.  Things that are light-years better than our greatest earthly treasure are yet to come.

Today will you let the little things decide the fate of your day or will you roll with the punches and make lemonade out of lemons?  Don't allow your burdens to become your idols.  Things aren't going to go our way.  It isn't going to be rainbows and butterflies all of the time.  That's just reality.

I hope Dylan's story impacts you, as well as Caroline's unique outlook.  Death is no easy issue, but her hope in Christ is incredible.  Her outlook amidst this situation is inspiring.

Thinking about the end is hard, but it's inevitable.  What kind of impression will you leave on others?  Be the person people want to gravitate towards.  Remember all that you have been blessed with.  Choose to be the person who pushes through the small things, bigger burdens are to come, guaranteed, but with hard times come periods of growth and renewal.

Reach out to those whose struggles are so vast and consuming.  This is no competition.  We're all stressed and carrying different burdens, but someone is ready to help carry yours.

Roll with the punches and keep moving forward, you never know how your actions will influence someone else.

Wait...How Did This Happen?

I miss Adelaide and Madelynn.  A lot.  I babysat them during my time at JMU.  The Scotts became family to me...then I moved.  Boone has been an adjustment, but I love it.  I am becoming established with a new family here and we are in the process of adjusting.  The previous babysitter babysat these girls since they were born.  They are 7 and 9 now.  I realize that I have big shoes to fill, and I am honored to be second-in-command new babysitter.  I cannot imagine the process of choosing a new sitter as a mother.  As a babysitter, finding a family you mesh well with can also be difficult.  My babysitting experience is quite extensive, though tonight threw me a curve ball.      

Around bedtime Austin came down with a stomach ache.  The whole evening had been great.  Everyone was well-behaved and happy.  The instant it was time to crawl into bed, panic slowly started to set in.  I told Austin it was okay to tell me if she just missed her parents, rather than saying her stomach was hurting.  She called her dad in tears and I felt like I could relate to her.  I have no idea if her stomach was hurting or not, but I remember that feeling as a child.  I always loved when Cassie and I had babysitters growing up, though I remember never liking when my parents were gone for bedtime.  I never felt that same protection from a babysitter that I felt from my parents.  Nothing ever seemed like it could replace that comfort of my mom and dad just being there.

Nights that I would put Adelaide to bed she would scream for her mom, but we would be best friends during the day.  Austin had a great time with me today, but bedtime felt scary to her.  I laid with her and told her how much I miss my parents every single day.  I told her to close her eyes and her stomachache would go away.  She would close her eyes and then her breathing would start to quicken.  As she panicked I would calm her down with soft words again.  I laid with her until her breathing got heavy and she fell asleep.  Making the stealthy, get-out-of-bed-without-making-a-single-noise move is incredibly difficult.  The idea of waking the child that took an hour to fall asleep is terrifying.  It took me a good 15 minutes to finally make the move and scamper out of the room.  So stealthy.  Ninja style, really.  This must be a skill that moms develop, because I find it terrifying.  

When I was laying there I was thinking about how weird it was.  When you're small you always just assume your parents will be there to check for the monsters in your closet.  Even in Harrisonburg my parents were so close.  They felt so involved in my life and I brought a lot of my problems to them and sought their advice on mostly everything.  They knew when I had exams and what I was doing.  In that moment when I was comforting Austin tonight I felt different.  I fall asleep by myself.  In my little studio apartment.  I check my own closet for monsters, except when Kyle is here.  Then he does it.  I am so completely dead serious it isn't even funny.  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!   

Boone has taught me a lot in my short time here.  I'm on my own.  I pay bills, I go to grad school, I get my oil changed, I talk to my car insurance agent, I buy stamps.  These are adult things, people.  It's funny how we just have to accept new roles as life progresses.  It isn't like it's an intentional change, it just kind of happens.  Somehow you assume new responsibilities and it all happens fairly naturally.  Tonight I was the comforter and no longer the comfort-ee.  I'm okay with that.  I have a different type of comfort now.  

Transition is weird, but I like it when I consciously notice that it's taking place, like I did tonight.  It has a way of slowing down time.  Everything happens so quickly.  In retrospect, times you think will never end are gone in an instant, like my undergraduate career.  While I am impatient for some parts of my life to begin, I am so satisfied just being here.  I am finding myself wondering what Jamie 10 years from now will think of this post.  Who know what will be going on, but I am positive things will be so different than they are now.  New molds will be created and I will naturally fill them.  We all do it.  We have to.   

Here's to new roles.  They happen so naturally and perfectly.

We were made to do this.      

Welcome to the Best Day of Your Life

I won't lie.  I can get down with Pinterest.  I ran across this little..."quote" the other day and it got me thinking.  I am 100% positive that I do not wake up with this attitude on a daily basis...in fact I would say I rarely do.  Little to no pondering about this quote brought me to that conclusion.  I came to the realization that most of my days are spent in anticipation for a day that I am really looking forward to, one of the best days of my life, or something that meets my standard idea of a really awesome time.  This whole concept made me a little sad, so I started sifting through the thoughts that were on my mind that very second.

Beware:  What I am about to tell you is going to blow your mind.  Regardless of what my blog may illustrate, I am a stressed out and incredibly anxious human being.  I encourage simplification and the need to slow down and not worry about the small things, but these things are so hard for me to do, and I will assume you can probably relate.  We're human.  Right now I have a knot in my stomach the size of the universe (maybe not that big) because I have a bioenergetics exam on Tuesday, I am leading journal club in my research class next Monday, and I am speaking at a youth group on the 16th...like.  Oh my gosh.  I'm freaking out.  I'm seriously freaking out.

This morning this wave of panic hit me abruptly at church.  It was during worship and I started thinking about my massive list of things that I have to do.  We all have massive lists.  There is just not enough time in the day.  False.  There is the perfect amount of time in a day.  So we're worshiping and I'm freaking out and an image like this was on the background of the song lyrics:

   
I started thinking about how nice it must be to be this man.  He's on top of a mountain with no distractions in the midst of a beautiful sunset, or sunrise, in the presence of the Holy Spirit.  Based on this image, I would say this guy doesn't have a care in the world.  This soothed me.  I instantly felt relaxed.  I was able to enjoy that moment and not worry about my laundry list.

1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Yes, yes I will gladly do that.  I am overwhelmed and I don't know about you, but I think anxiety sucks.  I'm so thankful that I stopped that anxious feeling in my stomach this morning before it turned into a consuming, fiery inferno.  When I let my stress and my fears take control I turn into an absolute train wreck.

Yes, I have a lot to do between now and Fall Break (Yay!  Fishersville, here I come!!)
Yes, it will be a lot of work, but there is no doubt that it will all get done.
No, I do not have to feel that heavy lump of stress in my stomach all week, or experience the headaches that come with it.

This week is going to be awesome.  I'm going to do fine on my bioenergetics exam.  App has a football game on Saturday, and it's fall in Boone.  If you don't know what that looks like or why it's awesome, come check it out.  I am so thankful the consuming nature of my stress was revealed to me this morning.

Cast all your anxiety on him.

Welcome to the best day of your life, people.

Filthy Rich

I love Wednesday.  I can wake up whenever I want and drink my coffee in bed while I read a book.  Life as a graduate student is rough, people.  No but really, I don't have class until 3:30 and after drinking my delicious coffee I will be listening to recorded lectures of Dr. Morris talking about bioenergetics while I frantically "draw" the incredibly complex process of glycolysis on my whiteboard.  I still love Wednesdays.

This morning I was reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  I am working through this book with my bible study and I have loved it.  This morning's reading got me thinking (weird).  Think = blog.  So here I am.

Have you ever thought about how seriously rich you are?  I mean really.  If you are reading this post from your Mac, PC, iPhone, Android, whatever, then you are more fortunate than most.  Francis Chan gave a nice visual to me this morning:  If 100 people represented the world's population, 53 of them would live on less than $2 a day.  If you make $4,000 a month you make one hundred times more than the average person on this planet.  I mean I spent $10 on this book, which is what some people make in a week.  Wow.

Which is more messed up - that we have so much compared to everyone else, or that we don't think we're rich?  

I call myself broke and poor all the time, but then I look around and I feel absolutely ridiculous for ever uttering those words.  I literally cannot fit one more item of clothing into my closet, yet I still have another full closet of clothes back in Virginia.  Ew.  This disgusts me.  I have a refrigerator exploding with fresh produce and cabinets full of delicious food, yet I eat out for about half of my meals every week.  I am able to get in my car and go where I like (mostly) because I have a car that passes inspection and I can afford to put gas in it.  I could go on, but wow, how can I ever call myself poor?  This is extravagant compared to many, yet this is normalcy.  I want more.  I want to buy more, I want to go more places, I want to travel here and do this or that.

I always find myself wanting.

For a long time I have felt stuck in this cycle of want and material needs.  I used to be a shopaholic (seriously it was bad).  I prayed so long to rid myself of that desire to always want new things.  About 75% of my clothes are purchased second hand now, though they are still clothes I just don't need.  When I shop now I find myself experiencing this strange feeling.  It's an ache that just isn't satisfied with the endless cycle of stuff anymore, yet I still crave it.  I'm stuck between these two ideals.  I feel so pulled both ways.  I am thankful for this feeling of conviction every time I start to buy something that I absolutely do not need.  Like how last weekend I carried around these super cute bright pink Patagonia flats at Mast General Store because they were 40% off.  40% off gets me every time.  I walked around with them for at least 30 minutes.  Kyle came to the rescue and we had a discussion about the other 30 pairs of shoes I already own, and while the shoes are cute, I just do not need them.  Three years ago I wouldn't have even thought twice.  Two years ago I maybe would have thought once, but probably still would have bought them.

Anyways, the point is, I want to be more of a giver and less of a consumer.  I feel burdened by how much I have sometimes.  Our culture demands consumption and preaches that more is always better.  Children are learning about this from the day they are born.  It makes me so sad.  I have a hard enough time navigating through the fog of this world, I can't imagine trying to navigate a child through it.

Find satisfaction outside of your stuff.  Seek simplicity, and do not worry.  Financial stress is just not worth it and it is so temporary.  If you're reading this, you are rich in some way.  There are so many ways we can simplify to just make life easier.  The rich are blessed, though wealth comes with a burden.  Break the cycle of desire and want for material things.  Find a way to give back.  I'm working on that last point.  I feel so convicted to serve and to give.  I'm working on it.

There is something we can all be thankful for today.

Find satisfaction through simplification.

Where do your treasures lie, readers?